June 9, 2013

House Hunters: Sorry, Charlie, Lincoln's on the Line

Description: With plans to have kids, Nina and Jason moved to Chicago to be near family. But, with a tight budget, finding a place that has everything they want in the trendy Lincoln Square neighborhood isn't easy. Nina is willing to look at the bright side as they search for a home, while Jason sees only the negatives. Can their real estate broker, Zak Herman, find a place that makes them both happy?
Available on Hulu

So today's House Hunters are Jason and Nina.

Jason and Nina have been married for four years and they just moved here from DC because they want to be closer to Nina's family in South Bend, IN. Anyone from South Bend is alright by me. 

Jason and Nina have annoying hobbies, like riding a fake Vespa without wearing helmets, and

playing the ukulele. I think Jason thinks he's Zooey Deschannel.

They've been staying at their friends' apartment while they look for a home. I love my friends, but none of y'all are staying with me for an extended period of time. It would probably end in murder-suicide.

Nina and Jason are looking for a two bed two bath place with updated appliances and in-unit laundry for $200-$250,000 in Lincoln Square. I love Lincoln Square. It's a really great neighborhood. Their realtor is Zak.

House #1 is a 2 bed 1 bath 800 square foot condo in Lincoln Square.

I don't think I could live in a building with creepy faces on the facade. I mean, I'm not goth.

The kitchen is right off the front door.

Jason thinks the kitchen is too small, especially if the two of them have to be in there at the same time.

There's a balcony off the dining space and Jason says douchily, "Oh yeah, that's the grill space!"

Nina likes the exposed brick, but I don't think it makes much sense in this space. Exposed brick in a loft or other industrial space makes sense; in a vintage building it just kind of looks like the room is incomplete.

Jason says douchily, "Look how small this is. We're basically in the kitchen and the dining room and the living room at the same time." Well, I guess that could be true if you somehow cut yourself into three pieces and regenerated. Otherwise, you're just being hyperbolic about an open floor plan. (Jason just made me kind of defend open floor plans, so thanks for that, guy.)

Jason thinks the master bedroom is too small, but Nina says there's a nice view from the window.

Jason says douchily, "So we can stare out the window and dream of a yard." First of all, green space wasn't even on their wishlist. Secondly, if you want green space for $200,000, move to Logan Square.

Zak shows them the second bedroom, which is kind of small.

Jason says douchily, "This is a bedroom? I don't know how it's a bedroom if I can touch both walls." As you can see from the screenshot above, Jason isn't actually touching both walls.

Now, if you wanted to argue that this isn't really a bedroom because of the utility closet

and the second exit,

that would be a more valid argument. But the second you use condescending

"air quotes," you totally lose your argument.

House #2 is a 2 bed 2 bath 950 square foot apartment for $189,000 in Lincoln Square. 

They have to come in through the back because the front stairs are being recarpetted. Nina and Jason immediately notice the "totally outdated appliances."

Jason says douchily, "I don't even think there's a garbage disposal in here."

Uh, yeah, you could tell just by looking at the sink that there wasn't a garbage disposal, you didn't really have to check under the sink. 

The living room is right off the kitchen. Jason does not say anything douchily about this.

But Jason does say douchily, "And then there's the radiator sticking right out in the middle of the room." First of all, radiators are awesome. You live in a place with radiators, you will not be cold all winter. Second, that's hardly "right out in the middle of the room." Jason would be less annoying if he stopped being so goddamn dramatic about everything.

They both think the master bedroom is a good size.

But, Jason says douchily (again), "There's that radiator again. It takes up some valuable space." Yes, it looks to take up about 18 inches by 12 inches of space. 

Cute jacket, Nina. Jason and Nina discuss their budget with Zak. Zak thinks they'll have to raise the budget to $250,000 in order to get all the things they want.

House #3 is a 2 bed 2 bath 1200 square foot condo for $249,000 in Lincoln Square.

Ok, a fireplace, built-ins, and a sunroom! Sold, as far as I'm concerned. 

But Jason says douchily, "Listen to these floors." It should be noted that the floors are not very loud. They're old; they're going to make some noise.

Cute jacket, Nina. The master bedroom has a good sized closet.

There's also an ensuite bathroom, but Jason doesn't think it's big enough. Jason says douchily, "It's a little small. We're basically going to be climbing over each other." I don't get why couples on these shows are always going to be in the bathroom at the same time. Just take turns!

They check out the second bathroom off the hallway and Zak says it's also "highly upgraded." Jason says douchily, "And also highly small." You just said two bathrooms, not that each bathroom had to be a certain size.

They also check out the second bedroom, which has a larger closet than the master.

The L train goes by and Jason says douchily, "There it is. There's the train." 

They both like the kitchen.

They check out their back porch, which is a good size for a back porch.

But there's that train again.

There's extra storage space in the basement and Jason says douchily, "It looks a little like a prison cell." You're not living in there Jason. It's not even attached to your apartment.

They head back up to the apartment to discuss the pros and cons and there goes that damn train again.

Jason and Nina discuss the apartments they've just seen while hanging out in Millenium Park for some reason. Cute jacket, Nina.

Apartment #1 has nice finishes, but it's pretty small. Apartment #2 is the least expensive, but it would need some work. Apartment #3 is the most expensive, but it's the largest and it doesn't need any additional work.

Nina and Jason pick apartment #3.

Jason and Nina have settled into their new place.

And they just happen to be doing laundry and making some food.

Ron Swanson is so pissed right now.


  1. Really got a laugh from this. Glad you enjoyed our "reality" show (said Jason, douchily)

    1. Ha! Thanks for having a sense of humor about it!