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So on today's episode of
Funny story. My mom's name is Annette and I always thought it was pronounced the normal way, like A-nnette. Then like a year ago I found out that it was actually supposed to be pronounced Ann-ette, because she was kind of named after my great aunt Anna. It's weird when you find out that your mom has a different name than what you thought it was. And fun fact: my mom is way cooler than this Annette. Because my mom woud never say the following: "My friends would describe me as very artistic, creative, a little unique, a little quirky."
And what, pray tell, makes Annette such a special quirky snowflake?
Her love of fancy gift wrap.
Her love of crafting. Or as she explains it, "I do sewing. I do like painting of small figurines."
Her love of artisanal cheeses.
Her love of cutesy tea sets with cats and owls on them.
Her love of baking. Of this she says, "I love to bake cookies. I've just started tackling bread. I love to do cakes. My friends love me because I give them baked goods a lot." My friends love me because I snark on House Hunters a lot.
And this is a serious question: when does a quirk become normal? Because I know a ton of people who are into baking and being crafty (the good kind of crafty, not the bad kind of crafty). I mean, quirk implies like rare or idiosyncratic, when the stuff she's into isn't really either of those things. Maybe if she had bangs. [Ed note: I have bangs, but only because I have a big forehead and I hate plucking my eyebrows. These are utilitarian bangs, not quirky bangs.]
ANYWAY, Annette is 30 and was born and raised in Dearborn, MI. She came to Chicago for school, but moved back to Dearborn a year and a half ago because this town ain't for everyone. Especially "quirky girls." "Quirky girls" stay away. Annette is looking to purchase a home in Ann Arbor because she says "it has a wonderful vibe to it." Of course she wants to live in one of those bullshit towns where you can pay for a sandwich with a song.
Annette's budget is $225,000 max and she wants: an older home with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms near downtown with built-ins, hardwood floors, a fireplace, a formal dining room, a dishwasher, and a kitchen with lots of counter space. Her realtor is Alex and her friend Elisa is coming house hunting with her.
Hunting houses is the most dangerous game.
House #1 has 4 bedrooms and 1 bath in 1100 square feet for $220,000.
Stank face! Elisa doesn't like that it only has 1 bathroom since Annette said she wanted 2.
Annette likes the living room, but Elisa points out that it's kind of small.
Stank face! I forgot what this was about.
Alex tells Annette there is not a formal dining room and she tells the camera, "I'm pretty concerned that there's no formal dining room in this house. That's something that's really important to me to have in the home and that fact that it's not here, I'm not really sure where I'll be able to entertain, especially in the wintertime." Ok...I'm not really sure what a formal dining room has to do with wintertime entertaining, but whatever. Also, is it just me, or does Annette add like a lot of extra words to her sentences?
Stank face! Annette and Elisa are asking Alex where the refrigerator is and he explains that it's on the back porch so the kitchen would seem bigger. Annette says she's "not going to the backyard for eggs," and I yell at my TV, or more accurately, my computer screen, "The refrigerator doesn't have to stay on the porch!"
Stank face! I'm starting to think maybe that's just how her face looks. Elisa doesn't think there's enough closet space in the house because "Annette has two storage units full of clothes." How many cardigans and a-line dresses does this bitch own?
Wow, however did this "psychic" figure out that the girl in this outfit wanted an old home?
At this point, you're just wearing a fucking costume.
House #2 is a 3 bed 2 bath 1090 square foot home for $210,000. This house is closer to downtown than the previous house.
Ok, I know I normally criticize the homeowners who are like, "Look at this wall color!" but, for real, the paint colors in this home are ridiculous and like none of them go with each other.
Seriously, I'm dying to see what the decor was of the people who thought these color combinations were a good idea.
there's a total murder bathroom in the basement. Well, maybe not murder; maybe just botched, at-home abortions. That's why we got to keep it legal, folks.
Stank face! And if I saw a botched, at-home abortions bathroom in real life, I would totally make this face too. I feel ya on this one, Elisa.
I do not, however, feel Annette's "Wowy, wow, wow, wow" reaction.
Here Annette's quirkily spray painting a record stand for the new house and "[she doesn't] even have the house yet." That is quirky!
House #3 is a 3 bed 1.5 bath 1500 square foot house for $250,000. It's $25,000 above her budget and further away from downtown Ann Arbor. What's even the point of Ann Arbor if you're not near its downtown?
It's a pretty nice space. Although I would paint the walls a brighter white because I think that off-white color with the wood makes the room look kind of dingy.
Annette likes that the formal dining room is right off the living room, which makes it better for entertaining. Especially in wintertime.
But she's concerned that there's no room on the counters for her mixer because the cabinets are kind of low. She kind of looks legit pissed about this.
They check out the den space, which Annette describes as a bonus room, but Elisa points out that it's "not a free bonus," as the cost of the house is $25,000 over-budget and Alex looks like he wants her to just shut the fuck up.
You guys, for real, I want to see the decor of the people who thought this looked good.
I'm just throwing this in here so you can see her ridic outfit.
So Annette and Elisa go over the three houses they've seen. House #1 had a decent kitchen, but it was further from downtown and there was only 1 bathroom. House #2 was in a good location and within budget, but it had a botched, at-home abortions bathroom. House #3 was the largest house but also $25,000 over-budget.
Annette picks house #2 and pays the asking price.
Oh and there's the record stand she bought before she even had a house. It's a good thing she got a house, or else that would have made her look quite the tomfool.