December 18, 2011

House Hunters: Somebody Call a Waaaambulance

Description: Los Angeles newlyweds are anxious to buy their first home.
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Ok, so I've seen a ridiculous number of House Hunters episodes. A lot of episodes have doofy husbands.  Or casually sexist husbands who joke about their wives doing the laundry or bringing them beers in their future man caves. And there have been a lot of Mormons, when you consider the number of Mormons in the general population to the number that have been on the show. But no one has been as awful as the husband in this episode. Meet Matt:

Actually, meet Matt and Melissa:

Matt is like an LA version of Fat Mac: cocky, delusional, and wears ugly shirts. Even the narrator hates Matt. I love it when the narrator hates one or both of the house hunters.

Matt is a horror movie screenwriter. Of fucking course he is. That's him working on a screenplay right now!

Matt and his wife Melissa have been married for three months, but have been looking at homes in Chatsworth, CA, outside of LA, for the past three years. They have looked at over 100 houses and have put offers on four of them, but all those fell through. They even packed up all their shit before the deal on the last home was finalized and the seller pulled out at the last minute. Don't count your chickens before they hatch, ya'll.

Melissa really wants to buy a house because, as she explains through tears, "I grew up in a house that my family didn't own." Ok, why the hell is she crying? How is that something to cry over? Whether it was rented or owned, you still had a roof over your head. Jeez. Whatever.

Matt and Melissa's budget is $750,000 to $800,000. Hmm, maybe I should start writing horror movies. I think I'll call my first horror movie Death Bed: The Bed that Eats People. Anyway, Melissa and Matt want a big house with 4 bedrooms, walk in closets, an updated kitchen, and outdoor space.

Their realtor is Matt's friend Travis. Under normal circumstances I would make fun of Travis for wearing the puka shell necklace he bought at his class's end of the year field trip to Six Flags back in 1998, but compared to Matt, Travis is a gem.

House #1 is a 2900 square foot 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $775,000.

Travis points out that television mounting hardware is already installed above the fireplace and Matt huffs, "Come on, you've seen my TV."

Yes, how could Travis forget something as important as what his friend's television looks like? Maybe Travis is the real villain of this episode. 

There are worms at the bottom of the pool and you would think that it was covered in dead bodies by the way Matt and Melissa were acting. Maybe Matt can write a horror movie like Human Centipede called Pool Worms that's about those really scary worms that are sometimes at the bottom of SoCal pools. 

Matt hates the width of the closets and says, "I was really hoping the closet was bigger than my wing span." Jesus fucking Christ. Melissa suggests that since there's a lot of space in the hallway, they could increase the size of the closet and Matt whines, "You want to do more work again! I don't want to do any work!" God forbid your lily white hands do any actual work, Matt.

House #2 has 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms in 3200 square feet. 

The house, and its furnishings, are very 80's, but Matt likes the bookcase and thinks it will be able to hold all his movies. Of fucking course he is the kind of guy who owns a ridiculous number of movies.

Matt hates the glass blocks and says he feels like he's back in Miami. I was unaware that glass blocks were exclusive to Miami. Someone should tell the glass block factory at 103rd and Halsted that they're in the wrong city.

Matt describes the kitchen as "country kitchen gone nouveau." What does that even mean? He hates all the pink and asks who would put all this pink in the house. Melissa smartly answers, "Somebody who likes pink."

Matt isn't happy that Melissa sassed him.

House #3 is a 4 bedroom 3 bath 2600 square foot house for $699,000. 

I really like mid-century SoCal houses; I just hate the SoCal part. And for once Matt likes something: the fireplace. 

But being positive is contrary to Matt's nature, so he has to start bitching about something. He hates the detached garage and says it might be a dealbreaker. Seriously? He argues, "Wait til it rains and we have to walk to the garage." It would be Matt's own personal trail of tears is what it would be.

Melissa likes the kitchen, which does seem to be pretty nice, even if it does feel like it was just thrown in the corner of a big room.

They check out the master bedroom and Matt's pissed.

"Well this kind of STINKS because there's no walk in closet." Is this motherfucker for real?

Melissa's at the end of her rope and rightly tells him, "*sigh*Matt, it's 100 grand less." 

"But I WANT a walk in closet." Maybe Melissa should give him a juice box and then put him down for his nap. That might help.

"I get that. You want everything, though, We're not going to be able to get everything."

Wishes he was anywhere but here

"We can't afford a million dollar house. Just, you gotta give somewhere, please."

Matt likes the bathroom and the backyard, but he's concerned that because of the age of the house - which was built in the 1950's, not the 1850's, jeez - there will be hidden costs. 

Melissa is now just openly contemptuous.

They go on a picnic to talk about which house they want. They rule out house #2 immediately, so it comes down to #1 and #3.

Melissa calls her mom to tell her they got house #1 for $750,000. She says she's crying because they got their dream home, but I think she's crying because she's realized she hitched her wagon to a big asshole baby star. You know how some people have a baby or buy a puppy to save their relationship? I think in this instance it's a house.

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