April 29, 2012

Exploring the 2012 Green Home

Since 2008, HGTV has held an annual Green Home giveaway. This year's home is located in the suburbs of the terribly urban planned city of Atlanta. Let's take a look!

But first, a word from their sponsors:

I find it really ironic that one of the sponsors of the green home is bottled water


you know what's even better for the environment than a fuel efficient car? Not driving.

Anyway, they really should have called this year's house the 2012 Terrible Light Fixtures Home:

The last one is especially bad. It looks something Dr. Dre would have in his private office at the Oakland California Love compound in dystopian 2095.

Just because someone is into helping the environment doesn't mean they only like earth tones.

That's the view they don't want to distract from? Some stairs and mulch and bushes? Let's get some color in here.

Finally! There's still brown, but at least there's a good amount of blue.

And chevron stripes!

More chevron stripes! Although these are kind of ikat-y.

And more color! I do have to question some of the art choices in this home, though.

This dog looks mentally challenged.

To quote Tom Haverford, this looks like something a death row convict would make in art therapy.

I can only assume that the designer is a Portlandia fan.

Because he or she put a bird on it.

The second floor of the house has a craft room.

I wish my apartment came with a pre-stocked craft room. I do, however, have a 12-pack of Mr. Sketch scented markers, the gateway marker, which I do not see in this room.

I also wish my apartment had even one set of washers and dryers. But I've never understood putting washers and dryers anywhere but the basement. What if it floods? Then an actual nice part of your home has flooded instead of just a crappy basement.

One thing I do not currently have in my apartment and don't want:

Jane Austen books. Uggggh.

Million Dollar Rooms: Enlist the cat in the impending class war

Honestly, is there a more tone-deaf show on right now than Million Dollar Rooms? Income inequality is a huge issue, especially since it's an election year and one of the nominees is a multi-millionaire who paid a lower tax rate last year than I did. 50% of recent college graduates are unemployed or underemployed. Almost 25% of workers in the US are low-wage workers, the highest percentage of any industrialized nation. 68% of Americans think the tax code, as it currently is, favors the rich. And if you haven't seen that video of Elizabeth Warren explaining fair taxation, you really should watch it.

And it's one thing to watch fictional rich people on TV - I've watched a sickening amount of Gossip Girl and 90210 - but it's another to watch actual rich people spend an ungodly amount of money on bullshit while a large portion of us are living paycheck to paycheck. So, you know, HGTV, I really don't think now is the time for a show like Million Dollar Rooms, or as they should have named it, Gauche Assholes Decorate Terribly.

Could this be decorated any more stereotypically rich person? I'm guessing the homeowner is new money. Actually, I'm guessing everyone on this show is new money.

Who doesn't need a garage that doubles as a ballroom? But be warned: if I go to one of your balls and slip on oil, I'm suing your ass.

You know, nothing says class and elegance like using a casino as your design inspiration. I hear that's what Brooke Astor did.

It's super hard being a rich person, so they really needed this oasis. Mo money, mo problems.

So that's $450,000 on just countertops and an aquarium? I'd love to know how much money these people donated last year.

For costing $6 million, this room really looks like shit. Actually, if all they spent was $600, it would still look like shit.

Dean Martin would hate your faux-finish wall treatment and faux-chateau design finishes.

Ok, if a home was built in the 21st century, it ain't a castle. True story: my family took a vacation to Ireland a few years ago and by the time we got to the last city we were visiting, Dublin, my mom angrily said to my dad, "I don't want to see another God damn castle, Tim."

I don't know which I find more ridiculous and offensive: that they decorated with a kitschy version of an ancient civilization or that they weren't actually inspired by said ancient civilization and were instead inspired by a tacky-ass resort. The only time decor like this is acceptable is if you're reenacting Legends of the Hidden Temple.

I've always considered myself a silver snake.

Bibliophile's refuge? For being that large of a space, they barely have any books. I have more books than that and I sure as shit don't have a library. Wait, does that mean I can call the hutch in my dining room where I keep my books a library?

What exactly is the point of having a diner in your home unless you keep a fry cook there 24/7? If there's no fry cook, it's just a room with a bunch of tables.

You know, these people may have a multi-million dollar home, but at the end of the day, they're still stuck in Ohio.