Available on HGTV.com
I like to think that House Hunters inclusion of the expressway is their subtle critique of southern California's terrible car culture.
The thing that I like most about House Hunters is that regardless of whether the house hunters are black or white, male or female, gay or straight, young or old, they're probably all really annoying, and wasn't that Martin Luther King's dream? That we judge people not by the color of their skin (or their gender or their sexuality or their age) but by the content of their shitty character? I think we should all take a minute to thank House Hunters and HGTV for making our society a little more equal and making that moral arc bend slightly more towards justice. Thank you, HGTV and House Hunters.
Anyway, Jake and Rudi have been dating for about two years. Shortly after they started dating, Rudi moved to Palm Springs for his interior design and construction business while Jake stayed in LA as a corporate lawyer. Rudi is now ready to move back and he and Jake are moving in together like a couple of lesbians on a second date.
They would like their new home to be at least 2000 square feet and have at least 3 bedrooms, one of which Jake will use as an office because he works from home, at least 2 bathrooms, and a pool. Their budget is between $700,000 and $1.4 million. That's an oddly huge range. Like all couples on this show, one wants an older home they can fix up, Rudi, and the other wants a more modern home and is more concerned with staying on budget, Jake.
Their realtor is Crocodile Dundee. He might not actually be Australian (his accent is kind of vague and at points sounded British), but he does for sure have feathered blonde hair, so I think it still counts.
House #1 is a 4 bedroom, 3 bath, 2150 square foot house in West Hollywood. They both love the location and Rudi likes that is an older fixer-upper. And at only $749,000, Jake doesn't mind that they'll have to put a lot of money into the home.
They can't really see the living because it's full of shit. Not literal shit. It doesn't look like it gets a lot of natural light, but it seems to be a good size.
The kitchen is pretty narrow, but Rudi says it doesn't matter because they'll just gut the whole thing. Jake says that the appliances are new, so can they keep those, but Rudi says, "No, they're horrible."
Rudi wants to get rid of the window and add French doors and use this room as a den.
And they would use this horrifying room as Jake's office. No one points out that this house must not have central air, which I would think would be an issue in southern California.
I love those tiles and so does Jake. But I think it would be pretty claustrophobic in that shower.
The master bedroom and master bathroom have some pretty magical wallpaper. Needless to say, all of this is going to be gutted. Maybe it was the way Rudi was saying it, but I never noticed before how violent it sounds to say it's going to be "gutted." How did that become the term?
The backyard has some creepy statues. Jake thinks that backyard is too small for a pool, but Rudi disagrees. I hope they get rid of the creepy statues before they come to life and try to drown them while they're swimming.
House #2 is a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house in the Hollywood Hills with just under 2000 square feet for $999,000. Jake prefers the modern, clean-lined style of the home, but doesn't like those tiles, and Rudi doesn't like the tiles, the garage door, or the front door.
The first floor is pretty open and has good natural light.
There's also a cool view of the Hollywood sign.
Aside from the oven, the kitchen hasn't really been updated. Crocodile Dundee says that most of the updates to the house have been on the lower level, which is where all the bedrooms are.
The master bedroom won't need any renovations besides a new coat of paint.
They like the updated bathroom and Jake specifically says he likes the sink, but, personally, I don't much care for vessel sinks.
Crocodile Dundee takes them to the basement (I guess?), which is only accessible by going down some stairs outside the house. This space is not included in the square footage total.
What neither Jake or Rudi mention is that this house is full of odd, random windows.
I mean, weird, right?
House #3 is a three bedroom, two bath 1657 square foot home in some LA neighborhood called Miracle Mile for $1.1 million. They both think the house looks small but has nice curb appeal.
The living room has arched ceilings, which Crocodile Dundee says is typical of 1920's Spanish-style homes.
I don't care if it's original to the house, that's an ugly fireplace.
The kitchen has been recently renovated, but Rudi doesn't like when cabinets don't go up to the ceiling because it doesn't look custom.
Jake says they could add French doors to the yard on the wall to the left, but Rudi asks where they would put the bed and Jake says under the window. Rudi says, "You don't want to put the bed under a window. That's just bad placement." I disagree. A bed under/in front of a window can totally work.
Rudi doesn't care for the house and says that "there's no wow factor" and the house is predictable. You know what would make the house unpredictable? If it imploded.
Jake and Rudi discuss their options. House #1 is the cheapest and the largest but requires a lot of renovations. House #2 has good views and doesn't need much updating, but they don't have a backyard and they couldn't add a pool. They immediately decide against house #3 because it's the smallest and most expensive.
Jake and Rudi pick house #1. Jake explains that after they saw the house there were nine other offers on the house, but he and Jake were able to get it for $750,000 because they could pay with cash.
When we catch up with them, they are still working on the renovations.
So far everything looks pretty good and I love those dark floors.