March 23, 2013

House Hunters: Stuff White People Like

Description: A couple disagrees on where to live in downtown Chicago.
Available on

Ok, so today's House Hunters are Jeff and Gina.

And I'm just going to say this upfront: I'm going to be very unfair to Jeff and Gina. Because, first of all, Gina brings her fucking dog Kevin everywhere. Listen, dogs are not children! They're not allowed to go everywhere you go. Especially in this coffee shop/bakery! Why did no one kick her out for violating the health code?! Why do grown-ass adults think it's ok to do this? What if someone in that bakery is allergic to dogs? Oh, you didn't think of that because your head is so far up your own ass. People who bring their non-service dogs everywhere are shitty and selfish.

Secondly, Gina and Jeff represent everything I hate about the northside of Chicago. 

Almost no one currently living on the northside is actually from Chicago. They're all from shithole suburbs like Naperville and Wheaton or random shithole towns in like Michigan. And you know that they're totally going to move back to their shithole suburb once she pops out their first kid. Maybe not right after the kid is born, but certainly by the time the kid is old enough to start school. The Latin School is expensive, CPS is scary, and charter schools are for poor kids. 

And they are, of course, Cubs fans. My sister has a theory that the reason white people love the Cubs so much is because they need to feel oppressed about something and liking a losing sports team is the easiest way to go about this. 

If I had the chance to wipe Wrigleyville off the face of the earth, I would absolutely do it, and we would be a better city, state, and country for it. 

And then there's the yoga. Yoga can go tantricly fuck itself. But even worse is lulufuckinglemon. If you spend $98 on yoga pants, you're probably a bad person (and also people can probably see your underwear). Then there are those lulufuckinglemon bags that every dumb girl who gets on the red line between Belmont and Clark & Division carries, with all those sayings and pieces of advice that would seem profound if you were in like 6th grade, but if you're old enough to afford your own $98 yoga pants, you're too old to think that anything written on that Goddamn bag resembles anything intelligent. 

BUT ANYWAY, helping Gina and Jeff find their dream home is television's Patrick Duffy.

Gina and Jeff want a two bed two bath condo near the L train with a parking spot for $300,000. Gina wants to move to Bucktown, but Jeff wants to stay near Lincoln Park and Lakeview. Gina wants to move to Bucktown because it's closer to her work and she currently has the very grueling commute time of 20 to 30 minutes. I wouldn't live in any of those neighborhoods, but if I had to pick one I would go with Bucktown.

House #1 is a two bed two bath 1100 square foot condo in Bucktown. 

And Gina brings the fucking dog to see the house. She asks television's Patrick Duffy if it's ok for her to bring her dog inside and he says it's fine. 1.) You should have asked that before you came to see the house. 2.) How does television's Patrick Duffy even know? Did he talk to the sellers before he set up the appointment and say, "My clients are the sort of assholes who bring their dog everywhere, so is it cool if they bring their tiny rat dog into your apartment?" 

So the condo is the same basic layout as all those new construction three flat buildings - kitchen as you enter, living and dining to the left, and the bedrooms off the hall in the back. 

My friends have a place just like this, but they were smart and put the dining area in that back corner. 

Gina says, "Look at these big huge windows, exactly what we wanted for Kevin." Because it bears repeating: Kevin is a fucking dog.

Jeff doesn't "like the views of the building next to [them]." This ain't Naperville, Jeff, you're neighbors are gonna be close. Welcome to Chicago.

Gina doesn't like that the bedrooms have carpet in them because Kevin still has accidents. So...your dog has bladder control issues, but you still insist on bringing him with you everywhere? 

House #2 is a 2 bed 2 bath 1200 square foot condo in Bucktown. It comes with a parking space, but that'll cost an extra $20,000. For $20,000 that parking space better be encrusted in diamonds. Blood diamonds. The bloodier the better. 

Television's Patrick Duffy points out that this place is near the L train like Jeff wanted. Just because it's near the L tracks doesn't mean that it's conveniently located. Where is it in relation to the actual stop? Or is Jeff just supposed to hop on the train as it goes by?

Gina says, "I notice Kevin has his eyes on the window already." I can't even deal with this much longer. 

Stank face! Jeff doesn't like that you can hear the traffic from Milwaukee Ave. on their balcony.

He also doesn't like that the fireplace is big and that "it takes up some square footage." Yes, it takes up all of four square feet. 

No stainless steel?!?! Heavens to murgatroid!

In the master bedroom, Gina scoffs, "Green with carpet?!" Oh my, neither of those are things that can be changed at all.

Gina doesn't like the bathroom counters and says, "That would be something we'd have to take care of right away." A broken toilet is something you'd have to take care of right away; you can live with an ugly counter.

House #3 is a 2 bed 2 bath 1300 square foot condo in Lakeview for $265,000.

Gina likes the building's entryway and says it "feels very Chicago."

Because this building is older it doesn't have the same open floor plan as the other two condos.

They, of course, love the exposed brick in the first bathroom.

Stank face! Jeff doesn't like that the building's HOA's are $550 a month.

Gina loves the kitchen and says it's how she would decorate it herself. Jeff and Gina notice that it's warm in the apartment and television's Patrick Duffy tells them that the condo has two window units in the basement but none currently on the main floor. Gina says she's never lived anywhere without air conditioning. In my opinion, everyone needs to live in a place without air conditioning at least once. It builds character. And maybe then you'll donate that $98 you were going to spend on yoga pants to an organization that helps out people who can't afford things like air conditioning or food or rent.

There's another living space in the basement and the two bedroom are down there as well.

Even though I would always pick an older building over new construction, I don't know if I would buy a garden unit. One time in college this creep who lived in my apartment building stole a bunch of thongs from the laundry room and then like flushed them down the toilet and the garden units all flooded. 

Gina and Jeff discuss the pros and cons of each condo. They're boring and I don't remember what they said. But ultimately they decide on house #2, which they get for $298,000, including the $20,000 parking space.

They really cleared out the Ikea and Crate and Barrel when decorating their new condo.

March 10, 2013

House Hunters: Flip-Flip-Flipadelphia

Foodies in Philly
Description: Jamie and Charlie love food. They love it so much that they drive an hour from their home in New Jersey to Philadelphia's thriving restaurant scene almost every weekend. But the commute is getting old, so now they'd like to find a pied-a-terre in the city, a small second home where they can stay on their weekend trips. But with a budget of $200,000, finding a place with a view, a pool, a fitness center, and a location right in the heart of the city may not be on the menu.

Here's how committed I was to making fun of these people: I bought the episode on Amazon because it wasn't available online. I mean, it was only $2, but still, that's two things at the Target dollar spot or 2.25 candy bars from the vending machine at work.

Anyway, "these people" are Jamie and Charlie.

Charlie is a dentist and Jamie is a French teacher and they live in Ewing, New Jersey. They're very obviously not actors because this episode is very poorly acted, especially by Jamie. Charlie and Jamie are both foodies and foodies are the worst people in the world. Ok, maybe not the worst, but surely we can all agree that they're the most annoying people in the world. 

In addition to eating food, which for foodies is not just about, you know, survival, they also like to run because it "takes the guilt out [of eating]...a little." Ugh.You know what, there's nothing guilty about enjoying food. Like whenever there's treats around the office there's always those office ladies who are like, "Oh, I shouldn't," or "Who brought these? That's so mean." Take a cookie or don't take a cookie, I don't really give a shit, but I don't have the time or energy to take on your food issues.

Anyway, Jamie and Charlie are looking for a weekend home in Philadelphia because they love the food culture of the city. They want a place that's near the city center and has character, amenities, and city views. They want all this for $200,000. The apartment doesn't have to be big, just a studio or, as they will say eight times in the episode, a pied-a-terre. 

They also want their apartmentpied-a-terre to be near public transportation because Jamie hates driving and isn't very good at it. Charlie even has to stand outside of the car and tell her when to pull out of the parking spot in this half empty parking lot. Lady drivers, amirite?

Jamie says she loves "these row homes and tree-lined street, but [she's] guessing they're two or three bedrooms." Yes, that's why you're not buying these homes, not because they're probably four times your total budget.

Their realtor Jacob shows them the first place.

House #1 is a 1 bedroom apartmentpied-a-terreapartment in 1100 square feet for $200,000. The building has a pool and a gym. I really dislike high rise buildings that were built in the 60's and 70's (or at least look like they were built in the 60's and 70's). They almost always look like housing projects.

Jamie very animatedly says that she loves the way the apartment opens with the windows and the color is great.

Dial it back, Jamie.

They also like the view from the balcony. I guess....

Jamie gets incredulous when she finds out the HOA's are $740 a month. Jacob explains that the HOA's cover the pool, the gym, all their utilities, and building maintenance. It always shock me - well, not really - when these house hunters don't expect to pay high HOA's in a building with amenities.

Jacob also explains that the apartmentpied-a-terreapartment has a washer and dryer hook up off the kitchen, which Jamie likes because then they wouldn't have to go to a laundromat.

But then she incredulously asks, "Where is the washing machine?!" Girrrrl, you're staying there on the weekends, how much laundry are you gonna be doing?

They both like the apartmentpied-a-terreapartment, but Jamie says it's a little too big to be a true pied-a-terre. Oh, let me go back and change some of the pied-a-terres.

House #2 is a $115,000 740 square foot studio apartmentpied-a-terre right by the subway. It's a short sale, so that's something. Jamie says the building is "definitely older." It's also definitely a mid-rise and white. It also definitely has a tree and some cars in front of it. 

Jamie enters the apartmentpied-a-terre and says, "Oh. my. I. love. the exposed duct work." People. who. talk. like this. are irritating. 

But. she. just. can't even deal. with the. flooring. "The carpet. is disgusting."

Jamie can't. even deal. with the kitchen. either. She thinks it's too big and she doesn't want to have to deal with cleaning a big kitchen in their second home, but all I see is an island and very little actual counter space. Ya don't want to clean the kitchen, then just don't use the kitchen.

Jamie thinks this apartmentpied-a-terre has "million dollar views."

I especially like the views of that concrete lot and that big parking lot. Those are $3.62 views.

Charlie and Jamie check out the bathroom and Jamie incredulously says, "I love the tile, but this shower curtain is the ugliest thing I've ever seen." Ok, 1.) when has an apartment ever come with the shower curtain? Maybe pied-a-terre's are different, I don't know. 2.) You can replace it. In like 3 minutes. 3.) It's hardly the ugliest thing ever.

House #3 is a 500 square foot apartmentpied-a-terre for $175,000. The building has a pool and a gym.

Jamie likes that the kitchen is small, since they're only going to be there on the weekends.

She also likes the size of the living area, since it's not too big.

Charlie and Jamie both like this apartmentpied-a-terre's views. Which, I guess...I just have very high skyline expectations. Chicago does, after all, have the best skyline in the world.

They also have a view of the pool.

I'm fairly certain part of Jamie's ponytail is fake. She has long hair, yes, but that's a lot of freakin hair right there.

They check out the pool. Weren't there just like five people there? Where'd they go? Jamie thinks the pool is "so unexpected in the city." So Jamie thought that there were no in-ground pools in the entire city?

It's like Jamie thinks she's in a Country Crock commercial or something with all this gesticulating.

Charlie and Jamie discuss which apartmentpied-a-terre they should buy while stretching for their run. Charlie's do rag is reminding me of Toby when he was in juvie. Anyway, they discuss their options:

House #1 had the balcony they liked, but it wasn't in the location they wanted and it was bigger than they would like.
House #2 is in a good location and right by the subway, but there are no amenities and it's a short sale.
House #3 is a good size and has good views, but it's not the location they want.

They decide to go with #2.

And there is conveniently a subway train that somehow goes from Ewing, New Jersey to Philly right in front of their building. Hope you avoided those puddles of urine on the train since you've opted to wear flip-flops on public transit.

And just to prove they're actually foodies and not just saying they are, here's all the food they ate this episode: