Description: Atlanta couple needs to find a cheaper home right away.
Available on HGTV.com
So I got a cat, Charlie, about two weeks ago and I haven't blogged since I got him. Here's how my first attempt went.
I don't normally have a flat sheet on my couch. It's so he won't scratch the side of the couch.
Anyway, this week's house hunters are:
Liz and Alex from Roswell, Georgia, and they are the 99%. Alex lost his job in the real estate segment of a bank, so now they have to sell their 7500 square foot, $635,000 custom home.
The columns date all the way back to
1972 2008. Liz gets verklempt talking about selling a home they've only had for two years. She says, "I thought this was gonna be the house that my kids were gonna be taking the pictures for their wedding." Clearly structuring sentences isn't her strong suit. Also, what? Your oldest kids are in their teens. Why are you thinking about weddings? Alex says that Liz has been "amazingly supportive" throughout all this. Yeah, it's almost like she took a vow to do that or something.
They're going to miss their master bedroom the most because it's large and because the master bathroom has "two restrooms." I think Alex means it has two toilets. The master bathroom also has columns because that's class.
They can only afford a $400,000 house now. If only someone like Lorraine Hansberry could write about their plight so that we too might know the struggles of upper middle class white people.
The first house their realtor Karen shows them is a 4 bedroom, 3 bath, 3300 square foot house that costs $389,000. I think it looks like a funeral home.
Liz puts on her stank face and says "it's a little bit small."
Liz and Alex agree that the kitchen needs to be updated.
They also think the bathroom needs to be updated, but I don't see what's so bad about it. It's a half bath with a working toilet and sink.
Liz and Alex aren't crazy about the master bedroom and bathroom. Alex says, "This is definitely smaller. What do you think of the open toilet?"
Heavens to Murgatroyd! An open toilet! Somebody fetch my smelling salts!
The second house is 4 bedrooms and 4 baths in 3300 square feet for $335,000.
Liz instantly doesn't like the foyer because "the ceilings are kind of low."
Once again, Liz and Alex don't like the master bedroom and bathroom, especially because the master bathroom also opens to the hallway and that just won't do at all. Where is the butler with my smelling salts?
After checking out the bonus room, Alex says, "I love back stairs. I think they're neat." I feel Alex on this one. But I would never use the word neat.
If I recall correctly, there's a video of Kurt Cobain and like Kathleen Hanna reenacting this scene, but I couldn't find it.
There's an additional bonus space in the basement, but Alex thinks it's "kind of low and dark." Yeah, who's ever heard of a basement being low and dark?
The third house is $395,000 and is 5 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms in 2400 square feet.
And another foyer does not live up to Liz's high foyer expectations.
She says, "It's a little cramped right here, coming in right to the stairwell." Bitch, please. My entry way is like 3 feet by 2 feet.
The living room is, wow, ugly. There's no excuse for that wall paper.
Alex thinks the deck is too small and that it wouldn't fit even one-quarter of their furniture. Well then sell some of your furniture and get your broke ass some money. That's the main problem rich people face when they become
poor slightly less rich. They don't know how to hustle.
Of course they love the stainless steel appliances and granite countertops.
Um, what is going on with the light fixture in the dining room? That thing is bananas. It looks like a brass octopus. And you know the cameraman thought it was bananas too, because why else would he focus on it?
The master bedroom furniture is pretty heinous too, but it's not as bad as that place in St. Petersburg. Alex would prefer a master bedroom on the first floor, though, because "once you get used to having that master on the main, you forget your sunglasses or you want to go grab a hat, you don't have to go up and down the stairs all the time. It's something [they've] really gotten used to." How much shit are you forgetting that it's that much of a hassle to walk up some stairs?
Liz loves the "private potty room." Adults who say "potty" should be punched in the mouth. Same with "tummy." These people sure are obsessed with not peeing in front of each other. I bet they're WASPs.
Liz and Alex discuss the houses. House #1 has a first floor master and lots of potential, but all that potential costs money. House #2 is the cheapest, but for Alex "that house is just OK." Sick burn, Alex. House #3 is move in ready and has, Liz says again, a "private potty." So I owe Liz two punches to the mouth. They decide to go with House #1.
As much as I do not like these people, this would make a cute photo.
It was Sonic Youth, not Kathleen Hanna.
It was Sonic Youth, not Kathleen Hanna.