February 24, 2013

House Hunters: Blow Out

Description: David and Ana Maria are searching for a historic home with cool touches.
Available on HGTV.com

Meet newlyweds Ana Maria (she shall be referred to as AM henceforth) and David.

I'm going to say right off the bat that these people weren't as awful as I thought they would be. I mean, they do some annoying things, as you'll find out, but on a scale of one (one being normal human beings with a proper sense of shame and privacy who would never go on a reality show, even if it is just a one-off thing) to Matt from LA, they're at like a four.

Anyway AM and David are hair stylists - excuse me, "hair artists."

And they are looking for a home in the awesome, cutting edge city of New YorkFrederick, Maryland. Helping them is their realtor Mike.

AM and David are currently renting an old carriage house and they...

I'm sorry, does that say slave quarters?! Okaaaay, back away slowly....

Anyway, for $200,000 they want a renovated older home that's close to their salon and has two bedrooms and two bathrooms, lots of closet space,

LOTS of closet space, and a backyard for their dog Juno.

It should be noted that the dog is wearing both a jacket and a dress. 

They don't specify, but if it were me, I would insist that my new home not be former slave quarters. 

House #1 is a 1200 square foot 2 bedroom 2 bath renovated home a few blocks from their salon. It's $204,900, which is an oddly specific number. Why not just $205?

The home originally only went to the staircase, which is awfully tiny. Like my sister said when we were visiting the colonial-era period rooms at the Met, old homes like this (and this) aren't design, they're survival. 

A dining room and sitting room were added at some point.

And the kitchen was just like thrown into the niche in the hallway that connected those two rooms. That's like a studio-sized kitchen and AM doesn't like how tiny it is. David says that she's just being a diva and that she's not going to be cooking in there anyway because she likes to go out to eat and be seen. It's very important to be spotted on the hot New YorkFrederick social scene.

Half way up, the stairs split off into two directions. To the right is the guest bedroom.

Ok, if I were selling my home and someone brought their dog with them, I would be pissed. That's so rude. There was another episode of HH where the realtor carried her dog in her bag for the entire episode. That dumb girl would not have been my realtor for long.

The master bedroom is off the left side of the stairs. It does not have a closet, which isn't good for these two clothes horses.

It's that hot Fredrick scene I've been hearing so much about.

House #2 is $200,000 and has 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom in 1250 square feet. 

The current owners have pretty decent taste. 

David doesn't like the ceiling fan in the kitchen because "it's going to chop off all [his] textured hair." Heh. It seems odd to put a ceiling fan in the kitchen. If it's hot in there, isn't the fan just going to push the hot air around and not actually make it any cooler?

The one bathroom in the house is pretty narrow.

The current owners have turned one of the three bedrooms into an extra closet/home office. I would love to have a bedroom-sized closet. That would be awesome. But then I'd never get rid of anything and ten years from now you'd see me on Hoarders.

AM "notices a lot of noise," (spoiler alert: it's not a lot of noise) and Mike explains that they're right up against the alley, so cars are going to occasionally drive by and they'll "hear them from time to time."

House #3 is a $250,000 row home with 2 beds and 2.5 baths in 1225 square feet. It's over-budget, but all the renovations are already done.

I would be wary of buying a house like this where a wall had clearly been knocked down because I saw an episode of Holmes Inspection once where this couple bought an updated old home like this that had the walls torn down to create an open floor plan and the house, despite how nice it looked and that it passed inspection, was totally falling apart. Because there wasn't enough support on the first floor, the second floor was sinking and one of the basement walls was bowing and there were electrical and plumbing problems and I think there may have even been some mold and it was going to cost the home owners $300,000 to fix. They had to completely gut the house and it was the first time I ever actually felt sorry for someone on an HGTV show. So yeah, the same way Super Nanny makes you want to not have kids, that episode of Holmes Inspection made me never want to buy a home.

The kitchen is all updated, so they wouldn't have to do any work in there. I love that old door. 

AM comments, "Look at all the grass." Yes, that giant yard will take tens of minutes to mow. 

Here's why I don't think AM and David are that bad, despite the dog outfits and his ridiculous hair: they aren't like the really annoying house hunters who are casually sexist about what is a woman's house work and what is a man's house work. David says that she would have to mow the lawn and at House #2 he mentioned that doing the laundry was his responsibility. So I will take these two over any of the guys who have talked about man caves and having their wives bring them beers and their pathetic wives who just like go along with it as if that attitude is somehow cute and charming.

Getting back to more shallow matters, the master bedroom has the original beams, which, in the words of Miley Cyrus, is pretty cool.

Because I'm feeling magnanimous, I will not comment on his outfit.

AM, David, and Mike discuss the houses they've just seen. House #1 has two bathrooms like they wanted and the addition added lots more room, but there is no closet in the master bedroom. House #2 has good windows, good closet space, and three bedrooms, but there's only one bathroom. House #3 doesn't require any work, but it was small bedrooms and small closets and is over budget.

AM and David go with House #1.

They got the house for only $190,000. Even though they have two bathrooms now, AM says that David still uses her bathroom.

They've turned the second bedroom into a dressing room for AM.

And they got a new dog that is somehow even tinier than their first dog.