December 4, 2011

For Rent: Guilty by Association

Description: A couple want a loft in a good location with lots of amenities and charm, but they may not be prepared for the cost involved.
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For Rent is actually my favorite show on HGTV because I'm a renter and because there's also a design component to the show. Because they're not actually buying a place, the people on For Rent tend to be less heinous than the people on House Hunters. But that doesn't mean we can't make fun of them

Meet Sarah and Jason, two free spirits and recent law school grads - I was unaware that free spirits get postgraduate degrees - who want to move to "the city." My one complaint about For Rent is that they always just vaguely refer to "the city" but never actually name "the city."So far all I know is that "the city" has a lake. I think it's Toronto, but my knowledge of Canadian geography is lacking, so I might be wrong. 

Anyway, Sarah seems alright, but Jason is the kind of asshat who pops his collar, wears leather cord necklaces, and has permanent stubble. 

Sarah and Jason have been staying on a futon at their friend's place for the past few months. Or as he calls it, their "humble bode." I guess he thought the A in abode was unnecessary.

They meet with Jodi to tell her about themselves and what they want in an apartment. Sarah and Jason hate, hate, hate the suburbs.

Yet their wishlist is very suburban. Their budget is $2000 a month with utilities included.

Jason is also the kind of asshat who high fives at the end of conversations. It totally demeans the importance of the high five. High fives should be used sparingly and only when something truly awesome happens.

Apartment #1 is $1750 a month plus utilities and is in a heritage home.

The kitchen is not updated and the cabinets are just like the ones in my old apartment. And guess what? They still held food and plates and other kitchen items as well as any new cabinets would. There's still a good amount of counter space, regardless of how ugly the countertops are.

The master bedroom is a good size, but Sarah doesn't like the carpeting. I feel her on the carpeting thing. Carpeting in apartments grosses me out. It just feels like it's full of germs and bacteria and poop.

Sarah is allegedly not sure how to decorate the bedroom, but Jodi has a plan already figured out.

Apartment #2 is $2000 including utilities and is a new construction building. Sarah isn't sure if she wants to spend that much. Then she shouldn't have told Jodi that that is their budget.

They like the openness of the space, because they're suburban but don't want to admit it.

Jason likes the granite countertops in both the kitchen and bathroom and he likes the jacuzzi tub in the bathroom. They really are edgy free spirits. 

Once again they're not certain how they would decorate their space and again Jodi already has a plan made out. 

Apartment #3 is $1650 including utilities and is in a converted chocolate factory. Even though I don't care for lofts, it might be kind of awesome to live in an old chocolate factory. On the other hand, you might one day stumble upon the rotting corpse of Augustus Gloop when you're getting something from the storage room.

Jason loves the granite countertops and stainless steel appliances because he isn't any better than the suburban people he hates.

He also loves the exposed brick wall because Canada is always ten to fifteen years behind what America is into.

Sarah is concerned about the lack of storage space in the apartment because she needs lots of space for her clothes and shoes. She's just one of those free spirit maximalists who owns a lot of shit, ya'll.

Jodi shows her design plans for the living room.

Jodi, Sarah, and Jason discuss their apartment options. They eliminate apartment #2 first.

They decide to go with apartment #3, the loft. 

Jason calls the landlord and finds out that he's in the process of finalizing a lease with another person, but agrees to meet with Sarah and Jason. Jason pretentiously ends the call with "cheers." Jodi advises them that they should present themselves as young professionals.

She should have also told him not to high five the landlord.

The end up getting the apartment and if I were that other person I would be totally pissed.

I can smell the axe body spray from here.

A month later, they're ready to move in. They decide to impose on their friends even more by not hiring movers. Seriously, the $400 you spend on professional movers is totally worth it. Best money I ever spent, twice.

Sarah snarks that "Jason and all his friends are insisting on wearing sunglasses and looking cool while we're moving." For someone who's dating an asshat, she's surprisingly sharp and aware. She seems as annoyed by his friends as I would be.

Jodi decorates their apartment and this is the part of the show where I would say, "Thanks, but no thanks." Jodi always does a nice job, but where's the fun in having someone else decorate your place? 

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