December 11, 2011

House Hunters: A Dream Detroit?!

Description: Jay and Booyoung are ready to settle down in a historic Detroit home.
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Ok, so let's be real. Detroit is basically America's Haiti. I googled Detroit and went to the official City of Detroit website and, hand to God, this was a story on the front page:

A total Detroit stereotype! 3,000 abandoned buildings torn down? 3,000 abandoned buildings to begin with? And there aren't 3,000 new buildings to replace those torn down buildings, so I guess it comes down to what's worse: abandoned buildings or empty lots?

But, hometowns are like families. They may not be perfect - in fact, they may be downright assholes - but damnit, they're your family and you're probably just as big of an asshole when it comes down to it, so fuck anyone who bad mouths your family or your hometown. I love ya, Detroit. You're scrappy; you'll be alright. And that car commercial makes me want to yell, "Fuck yeah, Detroit!"

With all that said, let's meet our house hunters.

Jay is from Detroit originally and he met Booyoung when he was working in South Korea. They've been married for 5 years, but because of his job, they haven't really settled down yet. They've been living with Jay's brother for the past three months while they look for their dream home. I love my sister, but we would kill each other after three days if we lived together.

They want a historic property with two to three bedrooms, an open kitchen, and a water view for $350,000 to $450,000. He prefers the suburbs, but she wants a home in the city because she "likes smells and pollution." Heh.

House #1 is a 2000 square foot, 2 bed, 2 bath loft in a 1906 building for $387,500. 

It has the open kitchen they like and Jay thinks "it's enough space." What exactly are you doing that would require more space than that? Dissecting bodies and draining them of their blood like the basement doctor on American ShitshowHorror Story?

On a sartorial note, is she wearing thigh-highs? Is Detroit stuck in 1997? Because that's the last time I saw anyone wearing thigh-highs.

Jay describes the bathroom as "humble" and he says that like it's a bad thing. I once had a bathroom that was an arrogant dick and when he was on Top Chef all he did was make foams and everyone hated him. Booyoung wants a marble or granite countertop in the bathroom. I can understand wanting that in a kitchen because it has a higher heat resistance and you can chop on it, but in a bathroom, does it really matter?

The loft has a rooftop deck, which would be nice if they lived in a city with decent views, and not just of torn down buildings.

House #2 is 4500 square foot, 5 bed, 3.5 bath single family home from $399,900. The house was built in 1915, so it has a ton of character.

I do think it's a bit boring to decorate old homes in period-appropriate furnishings. I think it's more interesting to juxtapose modern items with an old setting, like Carine Roitfeld's apartment

If I ever have the chance to buy a place with a fireplace in the dining room, I'm totally going to get it. It would be like I was on The Cosby Show whenever I ate in there.

The kitchen has nice old wooden cabinets and the original tile counters, but I can't help but think about how germy the grout is. That would be a pain to clean.

Jay thinks that this "feels a little small for a master bedroom." I hate when people go on these shows and act surprised when old homes have smaller bedrooms, closets, and bathrooms than newer homes. Get your head out of your ass, Jay. Overall, they like the house because it has a "wow factor," but Booyoung still wants something downtown.

House #3 is a 1400 square foot condo with 2 beds and 2 baths in a 1924 renovated hotel. The HOA fees are a crazy $1000 a month because the condo has access to all the hotels amenities, including room service, concierge service, a pool, and a gym. 

The unit they're looking at is the model unit, so it has upgrades that will be an additional cost, which is such a shady racket. Like, "Hey, I'm gonna show you this supernice condo and tell you that it costs one thing, but then, BTW, all the things you like about the condo are going to cost you an extra $30,000."

The combo living room/dining room seems tight, especially compared to the last place they looked at. 

They love the stunning? views of Detroit. 

They also love the kitchen, even though they specifically said they hated the galley kitchen in Jay's brother's house. If I were Jay's brother, I'd be pissed.

So now they have an important decision to make. Clearly, they should go with house #2. But 99% of the people on this show have shit for brains, so they go with #3. 

It's so spacious? Actually, the unit they got had a smaller living/dining room than the model - shady racket! - so they can't even fit any tables by their La-Z-Boy couches. 

But being in this bustling? hip? downtown location is worth it.

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