May 20, 2012

House Hunters: What happens to a dream deferred?


Description: Atlanta couple needs to find a cheaper home right away.
Available on HGTV.com

So I got a cat, Charlie, about two weeks ago and I haven't blogged since I got him. Here's how my first attempt went.


I don't normally have a flat sheet on my couch. It's so he won't scratch the side of the couch.

Anyway, this week's house hunters are:


Liz and Alex from Roswell, Georgia, and they are the 99%. Alex lost his job in the real estate segment of a bank, so now they have to sell their 7500 square foot, $635,000 custom home.


The columns date all the way back to 1972 2008. Liz gets verklempt talking about selling a home they've only had for two years. She says, "I thought this was gonna be the house that my kids were gonna be taking the pictures for their wedding." Clearly structuring sentences isn't her strong suit. Also, what? Your oldest kids are in their teens. Why are you thinking about weddings? Alex says that Liz has been "amazingly supportive" throughout all this. Yeah, it's almost like she took a vow to do that or something.


They're going to miss their master bedroom the most because it's large and because the master bathroom has "two restrooms." I think Alex means it has two toilets. The master bathroom also has columns because that's class.

They can only afford a $400,000 house now. If only someone like Lorraine Hansberry could write about their plight so that we too might know the struggles of upper middle class white people. 


The first house their realtor Karen shows them is a 4 bedroom, 3 bath, 3300 square foot house that costs $389,000. I think it looks like a funeral home. 


Liz puts on her stank face and says "it's a little bit small." 


Liz and Alex agree that the kitchen needs to be updated.


They also think the bathroom needs to be updated, but I don't see what's so bad about it. It's a half bath with a working toilet and sink.


Liz and Alex aren't crazy about the master bedroom and bathroom. Alex says, "This is definitely smaller. What do you think of the open toilet?"


Heavens to Murgatroyd! An open toilet! Somebody fetch my smelling salts!


The second house is 4 bedrooms and 4 baths in 3300 square feet for $335,000. 


Liz instantly doesn't like the foyer because "the ceilings are kind of low."


Once again, Liz and Alex don't like the master bedroom and bathroom, especially because the master bathroom also opens to the hallway and that just won't do at all. Where is the butler with my smelling salts?


After checking out the bonus room, Alex says, "I love back stairs. I think they're neat." I feel Alex on this one. But I would never use the word neat.


If I recall correctly, there's a video of Kurt Cobain and like Kathleen Hanna reenacting this scene, but I couldn't find it.


There's an additional bonus space in the basement, but Alex thinks it's "kind of low and dark." Yeah, who's ever heard of a basement being low and dark?


The third house is $395,000 and is 5 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms in 2400 square feet. 


And another foyer does not live up to Liz's high foyer expectations.


She says, "It's a little cramped right here, coming in right to the stairwell." Bitch, please. My entry way is like 3 feet by 2 feet.


The living room is, wow, ugly. There's no excuse for that wall paper. 


Alex thinks the deck is too small and that it wouldn't fit even one-quarter of their furniture. Well then sell some of your furniture and get your broke ass some money. That's the main problem rich people face when they become poor slightly less rich. They don't know how to hustle.


Of course they love the stainless steel appliances and granite countertops.


Um, what is going on with the light fixture in the dining room? That thing is bananas. It looks like a brass octopus. And you know the cameraman thought it was bananas too, because why else would he focus on it?


The master bedroom furniture is pretty heinous too, but it's not as bad as that place in St. Petersburg. Alex would prefer a master bedroom on the first floor, though, because "once you get used to having that master on the main, you forget your sunglasses or you want to go grab a hat, you don't have to go up and down the stairs all the time. It's something [they've] really gotten used to." How much shit are you forgetting that it's that much of a hassle to walk up some stairs?


Liz loves the "private potty room." Adults who say "potty" should be punched in the mouth. Same with "tummy." These people sure are obsessed with not peeing in front of each other. I bet they're WASPs.


Liz and Alex discuss the houses. House #1 has a first floor master and lots of potential, but all that potential costs money. House #2 is the cheapest, but for Alex "that house is just OK." Sick burn, Alex. House #3 is move in ready and has, Liz says again, a "private potty." So I owe Liz two punches to the mouth. They decide to go with House #1. 


Two months later they've made the ugly cabinets uglier.


As much as I do not like these people, this would make a cute photo.

Update:

It was Sonic Youth, not Kathleen Hanna.


9 comments:

  1. Read your blog - I think it was a bit mean spirited and not super funny. I mean if it was funny then I could understand, but you kind of come across as if you are angry at the world. Keep in mind that the show is for entertainment and the people portrayed are probably not as shallow and vapid as we appear, it is HGTV after all! We are pretty happy in our "tiny" lil funeral home of a house - check us out tomorrow night at 10:00 for the update.
    Liz Diehl and family ;)

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    1. Not funny? I mainly just write this for my friends and myself and we're entertained. Everyone else is free to feel however they want about it. Mean spirited? Maybe a little, but I enjoy taking the piss out of privileged people. It's my tiny contribution to the class war. There hasn't been anyone on House Hunters who I think is truly awful, (except Matt in LA, he was horrible), you just kind of came off as unaware of just how lucky you are that you can go through a job loss and still afford a pretty big, pretty expensive house. As long as you're happy in your new house, good on you.

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    2. I wasn't going to post anything here because I totally understand that people can take away different things from the episode. My 13 year old daughter's feelings were hurt, she thought you were being mean to me so I wrote something to defend our family.
      The truth is that a job loss and moving is difficult, everthing in our lives has changed. Because the show is for entertainment they needed a plot and part of that was for us to be "shocked" and disgusted by our choices - reality is we loved the house the second we saw it and knew how very blessed we were/are. There are a lot of people out there who are scared to give up material possesions because they think "things" are what make them happy - but we have come to realize that anywhere we live is our "home" because we have each other. I apologize if I came across as not aware of how fortunate I am, because belive me, I thank God every day for all of my blessings.
      I hope you have a great Christmas - and you were funny - but you try filming a show for 5 days and keep coming up with orignal things to say about a great room or basement!
      Liz

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    3. I really appreciate your comments. You know, I gave this some thought at work today. I started blogging because I enjoy writing and I thought it would be fun and it seemed like a natural extension of making snarky comments about House Hunters on Facebook. I really didn't think anyone who was actually on the show would read my it. You seem like a nice person and snarking on nice people isn't fun. It's just shitty. So I'm sorry for some of the meaner things I wrote - but I stand by what I wrote about the decor in the third home being hideous :-). And if anyone wrote anything snarky about my mom, I would be all "Oh helllllll no!" too.

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  2. I just wrote a long post and it got erased so I am going to give a shorter version. First of all this is my favorite episode to date. I loved it bc Liz had such a great attitude about the whole thing. She would have loved nothing more than to stay in her home they built themselves, but they couldn't so she moved on and made the best of it. I met them at my husband's office Christmas party and I knew they were from the show, but didn't say anything bc I have been wrong before. Anyway, they are good people, good parents and lots of fun. No more mean posts about Liz and Alex or I will find your home and paint it plaid. Thats about as mean as I get, but then again you have never seen me paint. Excuse any errors, I am tired and do not want to spell check and in the middle of the worst show ever.

    Corinne Evans

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  3. $635,000 in Roswell, GA is definitely not bragging worthy. Thats one of the priciest areas of ATL. They think they are better than they actually are.

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    1. You realize how you sound? I grew up in Roswell and my family still lives there. $635K is nothing to sneeze at. But that's beside the point. They didn't "brag", they just liked their home.

      These shows are faked. I spoke to someone the other day who was asked to "play a part" as a prospective home buyer on a HGTV show. She already lived next door! They even gave her a fake husband. These shows are not reality, not even close. So don't take them so seriously.

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  4. I thought this particular segment from House Hunters were real. Liz seemed devastated and Alex was just trying to please his family and keep it all together. In this economy, I'm sure America could relate to them and their circumstances. I felt their pain, embarrassment, struggle, but most importantly their triumph at the end!! No matter how much the homes were, this family shared a very personal time in their lives. They had to get out of their comfort zine and start again. Bravo Liz and Alex. And thank you Meredith for the opportunity to catch up and post.

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  5. Liz totally looks like The muppet Janice, the lead guitar player in Electric Mayhem.

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