House Hunters: Two Poles in a Complex Plane

Renovated Flats in Poznan

Description: A medical student hunts for a study pad in Poznan, Poland.

Available on HGTV.com

Our international house hunter is Matilda, who moved from Germany to Boston, Mass, 10 years ago. According to the narrator, can't is not a word in Matilda's vocabulary. Matilda is moving from Boston to Poznan, Poland, to attend medical school, so I'm thinking she CAN'T get into medical school in the US. But I probably can't get into medical school anywhere - including the not at all sketchy-sounding American University of the Caribbean, which has started advertising on the L - so I'm not judging.

Helping her is her friend B'lala, who has lived in Poznan for the past year. Depending on who is saying it, her name is either pronounced Ba-lala or Be-lala. Punctuation-wise, I would think the apostrophe indicates that it should be pronounced Ba-lala and that it would be spelled B-lala if it was supposed to be pronounce Be-lala. When people abbreviate birthday as b'day, it just looks like they don't know how to spell bidet.

The real star of this episode is Matilda's realtor Richard. Richard adds a lot of extra vowels when he says certain words, like "okaaaaaay" and "alriiiiight." He's like a combination wild and crazy guy and the Fonz. If he was alive in the 1890's, he would probably be a flim-flam tonic salesman. He's awesome.

Matilda is looking for a one bedroom apartment that has a nice kitchen and big windows and is located close to school. Her budget is $100,000.

House #1 is $100,000 and is about ten minutes from Matilda's school. 

All three love the bathroom, and Richard very enthusiastically says, "This is one of the hugest bathrooms I've seen! Big windows!" Matilda and B'lala ask about the kitchen, so they head back to the foyer.

And the foyer is the kitchen. Matilda is shocked and Richard says, "Yes, madam, this is the kitchen. Yes!" Richard tells Matilda to "look deeper," and Matilda replies, "I'm looking as deep as I can."

B'lala thinks there's something "fishy" about Richard.

House #2...

Is that a Planet Hollywood? I thought those places didn't exist anymore.

Anyway, house #2 is a one bedroom furnished apartment for $125,000. 

Matilda asks, "This is the foyer and not the kitchen, right?" and Richard, enthusiastically says, "Yes! No doubt!"

Matilda likes that there's an actual kitchen and that the bedroom is bright and a good size, but the elevator might be too small for her bike. 

Richard insists that the elevator is big enough for the bike.

And he was right, though the bike just barely makes it.

House #3 is a one bedroom apartment centrally located for $100,000. Matilda doesn't like the graffiti. 

Or the tore up stairway, which "smells like death." Richard just says it smells like history. Matilda and B'lala are doubtful about the apartment, but

there's a giant closet in the foyer, so Matilda and B'lala are happy. 

The bedroom has a loft above the bed, which would be fine, but those curtains make it look like a puppet show is about to happen.

Perhaps a puppet show about the war crimes that definitely happened in the courtyard outside of the bedroom window. Maybe there's a reason the stairway smells like death and/or history.

Less war crimey is the kitchen and living room area. Whoever renovated these apartments was really into lofts. 

Matilda and B'lala go on a walk to discuss Matilda's housing options. They immediately eliminate house #1, because dealing with installing a kitchen would be a total pain. Since house #2 is $25,000 above her budget and further away from school, she decides to take #3. 

Matilda barely has anytime to decorate her apartment because she's busy with medical school stuff.

Like talking about the new microscope system with other lady medical students.