February 5, 2012

Exploring the 2012 Dream Home

Since 1997, HGTV has had an annual "dream home" giveaway. This year's dream home is in Utah. I would never describe any home in Utah as being my dream home, but let's check it out anyway!

God, what isn't ikat these days. To wit:

A creepy hole in the floor is also a good way for ghosts and squirrels to get in your house. Just ask Sarah Winchester.

One of the only Asian things in the state.

The kitchen is stocked with wine bought from Utah's state-owned liquor stores and is made with genuine Utah grapes.

But I hope you weren't planning to put your wine glass on the living room coffee table. There's no room for it.

And it's going to tip over if you try to put it on the family room's ottoman coffee table.

But there is room for up to four glasses on the master bedroom's balcony, so you can drink some wine out there during the four months it's comfortable to sit outside without a coat.

And one person can enjoy a glass in the second bedroom.

While someone else enjoys a mini-pitcher of room temperature cream. (Oh look, something else that's Asian!)

And a third person can enjoy a glass of water while reading the HGTV magazine. The subscription isn't included with the dream house. The publishing industry needs your cash.

Isn't designing a room in an Americana theme in a home in America a little like wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see?

You can reflect on things like, "Did God really tell Joseph Smith to marry multiple women or did Joseph Smith just want to have sex with the hot widow next door?"

I know that I would feel absolutely comfortable taking a schvitz as people coming in from the back yard walk by.

At three total, this house now has the majority of Asian things in Utah.

A mini-door is also a good way to get a ghost in your house.

The house comes with a few sets of dominoes in case a Miami Cuban wins the contest.

Apparently playing a rousing game of dominoes makes you want to purchase insurance.

And after you make sweet love to your wife and/or the hot widow next door in the dream home's master bedroom, you can purchase more insurance.

There's nothing like the smell of poop to distract from a bathroom's luxurious features.

I hate sinks like this one. It looks like a trough. 

Two washers and two dryers? That's just greedy.

HGTV wants you to know that you should always have plenty of Bounty on hand. I will say, the radiator in my bedroom started leaking and my Bounty papertowels held an insane amount of water.

Can people seriously not go even a little bit without watching TV? Why put a TV outside? Come on. (And I know that there is some irony in me saying that since I'm writing a television blog.) 

Table space for actual food. After drinking all that Utah wine, you should probably get some food in you.

"As if found objects from nature hikes," but as actual from West Elm.

And it will feel like time stands still because you're stuck in Utah. 

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