House Hunters International: Hello, Buenos Aires

Apartment in Argentina

Description: A Buenos Aires apartment is a surprise gift
Available on HGTV.com


So that description, from the HGTV website, is not accurate at all.

Our international house hunters are tango-lovers Madelyn and Victor of Santa Monica, California. They're both old, but they only got married eight years ago. They're looking for a vacation home in Buenos Aires, Argentina, because they both love tango. They want to spend between $150 and $200,000 for a two bedroom apartment and they need something that fits their "tango lifestyle." That sounds like a really crappy lifestyle.

Madelyn goes to Argentina to check out the apartments by herself with the help of her realtor Pericles. Not the Athenian general.

Apartment #1 is a gorgeous old 1800 square foot apartment for $195,000. Depending on whether they want a living room and dining room, the apartment has between three and five bedrooms.

The apartment has fantastic details and sixteen foot ceilings.

Madelyn doesn't like that the kitchen ceiling is lower, even though there's a good four feet of space above her head.

What I don't like is the creepy little staircase in the kitchen that leads to the maid's quarters. Homes shouldn't have little staircases or little doors. Nothing good ever comes from that.

I also don't like that there's a tiny room that's a shower and has a glass and wood door.

Madelyn brats to her realtor, "Where do I tango?!" Have I mentioned they like to tango?

Apartment #2 is a three bedroom 1500 square foot apartment built in 1903 for $195,000. It's even in Buenos Aires' tango district. I'm surprised Chicago doesn't have an Irish dancing district.

The apartment is amazing. It's light and bright, has high ceilings, and awesome floors. Madelyn is excited that it is bigger than the first apartment and the realtor is too nice to point out that it's actually 300 square feet smaller.

Seriously, I would murder an old lady to get an apartment with herringbone floors.

I sound like a broken record (What would be the modern equivalent of that saying? A fucked up MP3?) but the dining room is also amazing.

Seriously, those floors! The molding! The chandelier! I'm moving to Argentina. I speak a little Spanish. Me llamo Meredith. Me gusta escuchar music y ir de compras. Yo soy muy bonita.

Madelyn thinks the bathroom needs to be updated, but who the hell cares? Look at those tiles! There's a stork!

The kitchen sucks - Madelyn says it's chaos - and also has a creepy little staircase, but the rest of the apartment still outweighs having to redo the kitchen.

Apartment #3 is a three bedroom 2100 square foot apartment that's currently being used as offices.

She's really offended that it's being used as an office and says incredulously, "You've got to be kidding me...I hope I'm not wasting my time." 1. What exactly were you doing that you couldn't take five minutes to look at an apartment? Sorry to keep you from surgery, Dr. Madelyn, the tangoing surgeon. 2. I hate when people say things like, "Is this a joke?" or "You've got to be kidding me," when it's clear that it's not a joke or the person isn't kidding. It's an assy thing to do.

This apartment also has high ceilings, "five meters," the realtor specifies. The metric system strikes again!

The living room is painted a horrible shade of green and the floors are covered in a horrifying carpet.

The dining room is still in good shape, except for that toxic shade of green.

Since the apartment is being used an office, the bathroom doesn't have a bathtub and shower and the kitchen doesn't have any appliances.

There's a nice interior patio. But still, this apartment is no apartment #2.

Madelyn now has an important decision to make in a ridiculous outfit. Clearly, #2 is the best apartment, so of course she doesn't choose that one. She chooses #3. We catch up with Victor and Madelyn a few months later and...

they've painted bullshit flowers on their living room's hardwood floor. Who the hell paints a hardwood floor?!?!?! Especially when they plan to tango on it.

They've also updated their bathroom to look like a suburban American bathroom with absolutely no charm. I guess I'm glad she didn't take #2 because she probably would have ruined that bathroom. Hopefully someone who truly loves vintage apartments bought #2. That thought is what gets me through the night.