September 28, 2013

House Hunters: J+J+J


Description: Jodie loves her adopted city of Chicago so much that she's decided to buy her first home. She wants a loft space close to work with high ceilings and character, two bedrooms, a gym and a view. But her budget may not match up with reality. Luckily, she has her sister-in-law, Jamie, and her childhood-friend-turned-agent, Josh, to help her navigate the city's condo market.
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So today's house hunter is Jodie.



Jodie says she's 31. I'll eat my hat if she actually is 31. Some facts about her that I don't dispute is that she works in ad sales and is originally from St. LouisNellyville. She enjoys "running on the lake." Running on the lake, Jesus?

Helping her with her house hunt is her sister-in-law Jamie.


Jamie has bought homes in Chicago before, so I guess this makes her an expert or something? I don't know; she seems like one of those women who gave up her job when she had kids and now like thinks she's an expert at organizing and decorating and like anything home-related and that like gluing a strand of beads to the bottom of a lamp shade is the equivalent to actually having a career in interior design.


Jodie's realtor is her friend from Nellyville, Josh.


J+J+J discuss Jodie's wish list. She wants a timber loft with skyline views, high ceilings, an open floor plan, and an updated kitchen in River North for $300,000. Josh doesn't know if she's going to be able to get all of that for $300,000 in River North.


And the camera pulls back and there are like 17 other people at the table.


House #1 is a 1 bed, 1 bath 900 square foot condo in River North for $290,000. Jodie doesn't like that there's only one bedroom, but there is a gym in the building, which she wanted. 


Josh holds the door open for Jodie and then Jamie starts to walk in and Josh totally cuts her off. It was amusing.


Jodie likes the kitchen and the black appliances, but Jamie says, "It's not stainless steel, which we were kind of hoping for." We?


The living room is right there too, so Jodie got the open floor plan she wanted.


Josh points out she has city views off the balcony. As long as you lean over the railing. 


The bedroom isn't as big as Jodie wants and she doesn't like that there isn't any natural light. I have a window in my bedroom that's only there to comply with the fire code and it opens to a wall, so there's no sunlight ever, but it's awesome because you're not woken up by the stupid sun at 5:15 in the morning. 


Jodie isn't sure about the size of the whole space, but Jamie says, "You're not gonna live here forever. You're gonna end up in the suburbs one day with me." I saw this episode with my mom - who's like the nicest, least judgmental person - the last time I was at my parents' house and after Jamie said that my mom was like, "Ok, I hate her." According to my mom, you never move out of the city. Although it should be noted that we spent 11 years not in Chicago because of my dad's job.


House #2 is a 2 bed, 2 bath 1300 square foot condo in the west loop for $265,000. The building has a ton of amenities, including a freakin basketball court. Always go with the place that has a basketball court. 


This place is called Haberdasher Square? Amazing!



The condo has a large combined living room/dining room/kitchen. Jodie really likes the tin ceiling, and I agree.


The kitchen is pretty dated and not updated like Jodie wanted. And if you have to add an ugly support beam to your countertops, maybe reconsider going with concrete.


Jamie talking heads that "From all my past experience, I know that kitchens and baths are the biggest expenses." From all my HGTV viewing, I know that too. It's really just common knowledge at this point.


Jodie thinks the walls in the second bedroom are "very, very cool." Really? But...


"There's no door on this bedroom and the ceiling aren't even finished. Do you think that's going to be noisy for my guests?" Does Jodie even know what a loft is? Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?



I really like the juxtaposition of the feminine decor of the master bedroom with the masculinity of the loft style. Jodie likes the size of the bedroom and the walk-in closet. But...


The master bathroom is pretty gross looking.

Jodie says she mostly likes the loft but is "disappointed in the cabinetry." Can you be "disappointed in" an inanimate object? You can be disappointed with it, but I'm fairly certain you can only be disappointed in people. Like my mom was when my sister was in college and drank too much one night and then overslept the next day and missed her bus from Urbana to Chicago, thereby missing my high school graduation. It's funny when your siblings screw up. Anyway, Jamie says she's "a little nervous about the location" of the loft. It's the west loop, not Humboldt Park, for Christ's sake.


Fucking yoga, of course.


House #3 is another loft in the sketchy west loop. It has 2 beds and 2 baths in 1150 square feet for $295,000. 


There's a skyline view from the living room that Jodie and Jamie just love. Jamie says, "This is like the ideal Chicago view, Jodie." And Jodie replies, "This like epitomizes everything I love about this city." And here is why people like Jodie and Jamie suck. They don't want to love a woman with a broken nose; they just want to live near tall buildings and trendy restaurants and overpriced boutiques and try to be as Sex and the City as they can be without having to move to New York. Remember when people who suck just stayed in the suburbs because they were scared of cities? Yeah...


Anyway, back inside the apartment, Jodie thinks the living room is too small and says she's "a little nervous about this overall living space." Jodie and Jamie seem to be "a little nervous" about a lot of things.


They check out the second bedroom and Jamie says that there is "not room for a bed," while literally standing next to a bed.


Thankfully the master bedroom is bigger than the second bedroom, but there's no door.


Again, it's a loft. You're lucky there are walls.


J+J+J go for a glass of wine+wine+wine and they discuss Jodie's three options. House #1 had a gym in the building and is close to Jodie's work, but it's small and there's only one bedroom. House #2 has that cute tin ceilings and has the 2 beds and 2 baths she wants, but the kitchen and bathroom need updating. House #3 had good views and 2 beds and 2 baths, but she didn't like the size of the living area. 

Jodie picks #2, which is the one I would have gone with too.


One month later Jamie and the fam visit Jodie and they say "Hiiiiiiiiiiiii" for like a really long time.


Jamie's painted over the stripes and I don't think this looks good. If you're going to do a contrast wall it should either be a completely different color, like three white walls and one green wall, or in a similar shade, like peacock blue and, well, a lighter shade of peacock blue. These two colors are way too random and don't relate to each other at all.

10 comments:

  1. you seem angry…and mean…you should consider trying some yoga.

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  2. can you please explain the comment about the woman with a broken nose? it seems to be insulting but we don't understand the reference.

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  3. i don't claim to be any sort of interior decorator. I'm not into crafts. Have never glued beads to a lamp in my life. Don't live anywhere near tall buildings. Couldn't be any further from Sex In the City - I actually hate the city. So clearly…your comments are incorrect, completely baseless…and totally wrong.

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  4. with all due respect to my elders - if your mom is the least judgmental person you've ever met, you should get out more and meet some new people. Anyone who "hates" someone they don't know, doesn't sound very nice or nonjudgmental to me.

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  5. I actually rewound the episode to see if I heard it wrong. She looks at least 40.

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  6. I thought 45-48.

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