Foodies in PhillyDescription: Jamie and Charlie love food. They love it so much that they drive an hour from their home in New Jersey to Philadelphia's thriving restaurant scene almost every weekend. But the commute is getting old, so now they'd like to find a pied-a-terre in the city, a small second home where they can stay on their weekend trips. But with a budget of $200,000, finding a place with a view, a pool, a fitness center, and a location right in the heart of the city may not be on the menu.
Here's how committed I was to making fun of these people: I bought the episode on Amazon because it wasn't available online. I mean, it was only $2, but still, that's two things at the Target dollar spot or 2.25 candy bars from the vending machine at work.
Anyway, "these people" are Jamie and Charlie.
Charlie is a dentist and Jamie is a French teacher and they live in Ewing, New Jersey. They're very obviously not actors because this episode is very poorly acted, especially by Jamie. Charlie and Jamie are both foodies and foodies are the worst people in the world. Ok, maybe not the worst, but surely we can all agree that they're the most annoying people in the world.
In addition to eating food, which for foodies is not just about, you know, survival, they also like to run because it "takes the guilt out [of eating]...a little." Ugh.You know what, there's nothing guilty about enjoying food. Like whenever there's treats around the office there's always those office ladies who are like, "Oh, I shouldn't," or "Who brought these? That's so mean." Take a cookie or don't take a cookie, I don't really give a shit, but I don't have the time or energy to take on your food issues.
Anyway, Jamie and Charlie are looking for a weekend home in Philadelphia because they love the food culture of the city. They want a place that's near the city center and has character, amenities, and city views. They want all this for $200,000. The apartment doesn't have to be big, just a studio or, as they will say eight times in the episode, a pied-a-terre.
They also want their
apartmentpied-a-terre to be near public transportation because Jamie hates driving and isn't very good at it. Charlie even has to stand outside of the car and tell her when to pull out of the parking spot in this half empty parking lot. Lady drivers, amirite?
Jamie says she loves "these row homes and tree-lined street, but [she's] guessing they're two or three bedrooms." Yes, that's why you're not buying these homes, not because they're probably four times your total budget.
Their realtor Jacob shows them the first place.
House #1 is a 1 bedroom
apartment pied-a-terreapartment in 1100 square feet for $200,000. The building has a pool and a gym. I really dislike high rise buildings that were built in the 60's and 70's (or at least look like they were built in the 60's and 70's). They almost always look like housing projects.
Jamie very animatedly says that she loves the way the apartment opens with the windows and the color is great.
Dial it back, Jamie.
They also like the view from the balcony. I guess....
Jamie gets incredulous when she finds out the HOA's are $740 a month. Jacob explains that the HOA's cover the pool, the gym, all their utilities, and building maintenance. It always shock me - well, not really - when these house hunters don't expect to pay high HOA's in a building with amenities.
Jacob also explains that the
apartment pied-a-terreapartment has a washer and dryer hook up off the kitchen, which Jamie likes because then they wouldn't have to go to a laundromat.
But then she incredulously asks, "Where is the washing machine?!" Girrrrl, you're staying there on the weekends, how much laundry are you gonna be doing?
They both like the
apartment pied-a-terreapartment, but Jamie says it's a little too big to be a true pied-a-terre. Oh, let me go back and change some of the pied-a-terres.
House #2 is a $115,000 740 square foot studio
apartmentpied-a-terre right by the subway. It's a short sale, so that's something. Jamie says the building is "definitely older." It's also definitely a mid-rise and white. It also definitely has a tree and some cars in front of it.
Jamie enters the
apartmentpied-a-terre and says, "Oh. my. I. love. the exposed duct work." People. who. talk. like this. are irritating.
But. she. just. can't even deal. with the. flooring. "The carpet. is disgusting."
Jamie can't. even deal. with the kitchen. either. She thinks it's too big and she doesn't want to have to deal with cleaning a big kitchen in their second home, but all I see is an island and very little actual counter space. Ya don't want to clean the kitchen, then just don't use the kitchen.
Jamie thinks this
apartmentpied-a-terre has "million dollar views."
I especially like the views of that concrete lot and that big parking lot. Those are $3.62 views.
Charlie and Jamie check out the bathroom and Jamie incredulously says, "I love the tile, but this shower curtain is the ugliest thing I've ever seen." Ok, 1.) when has an apartment ever come with the shower curtain? Maybe pied-a-terre's are different, I don't know. 2.) You can replace it. In like 3 minutes. 3.) It's hardly the ugliest thing ever.
House #3 is a 500 square foot
apartmentpied-a-terre for $175,000. The building has a pool and a gym.
Jamie likes that the kitchen is small, since they're only going to be there on the weekends.
She also likes the size of the living area, since it's not too big.
Charlie and Jamie both like this
apartmentpied-a-terre's views. Which, I guess...I just have very high skyline expectations. Chicago does, after all, have the best skyline in the world.
They also have a view of the pool.
I'm fairly certain part of Jamie's ponytail is fake. She has long hair, yes, but that's a lot of freakin hair right there.
They check out the pool. Weren't there just like five people there? Where'd they go? Jamie thinks the pool is "so unexpected in the city." So Jamie thought that there were no in-ground pools in the entire city?
It's like Jamie thinks she's in a Country Crock commercial or something with all this gesticulating.
Charlie and Jamie discuss which
apartmentpied-a-terre they should buy while stretching for their run. Charlie's do rag is reminding me of Toby when he was in juvie. Anyway, they discuss their options:
House #1 had the balcony they liked, but it wasn't in the location they wanted and it was bigger than they would like.
House #2 is in a good location and right by the subway, but there are no amenities and it's a short sale.
House #3 is a good size and has good views, but it's not the location they want.
They decide to go with #2.
And there is conveniently a subway train that somehow goes from Ewing, New Jersey to Philly right in front of their building. Hope you avoided those puddles of urine on the train since you've opted to wear flip-flops on public transit.
And just to prove they're actually foodies and not just saying they are, here's all the food they ate this episode: