House Hunters: That's piano, I said piani

Room for a Grand Piano

Description: Tiffany and Dylan need a home that's big enough for four and a grand piano.

Available on Hulu

So we have to talk about the ad on Hulu before this episode of House Hunters started.

Ameristar Casinos have some new game or something called, wait for it, Baron von Bacon. And the ad has a pig dressed up as some 18th century European aristocrat. I've never wanted to gamble because I have terrible luck - the luck of the Irish is a myth! - but I might make an exception for Baron von Bacon. I wonder if there's a Baroness von Bacon.

Anyway, today's house hunters are Tiffany and Dylan from Frisco, Texas. They have two kids, Gage (eyeroll) and Evelyn, and a grand piano that Tiffany's grandma is giving to her. Dylan says, "All of the sudden, we're planning an entire move around this piano." He tries to recoup by saying that they need more space and had already planned on moving one day, but you can sense his annoyance. Their house sold really quickly, so Tiffany, Dylan, Gage (eyeroll), and Evelyn have been staying with Tiffany's sister Tracy and her husband Jay.

Tracy says it's been fun having the four of them stay there, but Jay's eye contact to the camera says otherwise. 

Tiffany and Dylan's wishlist, though it's mostly Tiffany's wishlist, is room for the piano, a playroom for the kids, granite countertops, crown moldings, and baseboards for $340,000.

Teresa, their realtor and humblebragger, says she sold their home too quickly - she's just too good at her job - so she feels pressure to find them a new house quickly.

The first house Teresa shows them is a 4000 square foot 4 bedroom 3.5 bath home for $339,000. Teresa asks, "Isn't this beautiful?" I replied "No," but I don't think she heard me.

Tiffany thinks the space right near the entrance is perfect for her piano.

A typical Texas backyard. Typically Texas backyards are shitty.

In the kitchen, Dylan asks Tiffany, "Do you see these walls? The walls are red." Well, yes, she has eyes. 

Dylan also hates the peach-colored granite, which is a reasonable complaint because it's way more permanent than wall color. Tiffany says she likes the color. Teresa then tells the camera, "Tiffany is the one who lives in the home during the week. Dylan, for all purposes, is gone for the most part, so really, in my opinion, Tiffany is my primary customer, but I do have to keep Dylan in mind because he is the one who will be writing the check." I'm sorry, did Teresa miss the portion of the show where Tiffany explains that she's a personal trainer? Because that means she makes money. Money that she will no doubt be contributing to the mortgage. So, no, it won't just be Dylan paying for the house, Teresa. I don't think the 60's and 70's happened in Texas. They just went from December 31,1959, to January 1, 1980. Oh yeah, but except for that one day in 1963.

Dylan doesn't even mention the red carpet! Carpet is a hell of a lot harder, and more expensive, to get rid of than paint.

The second house is 3900 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 3.5 baths for $389,000. Dylan isn't happy that the price is almost $50,000 over their budget, but Tiffany doesn't mind. "I was like, 'Honey, we can make it work. Don't you always make it work?" 1.) It's that kind of irresponsible attitude that led to the housing crisis and 2.) I'm sure that's what Lane Pryce's wife thought too.

The current homeowners have way too much shit in their entryway and hallway. And a God damn decorative clock.

Their dining room decor isn't any better either.

They're also the kind of assholes who put words up on the wall. I loathe that. "Honey, did I remember to kiss you goodnight?  Ok, good. And who lives in this house again? Oh yeah, the family."

And there's another God damn decorative clock.

The house has a pool, which wasn't on her wishlist, but Tiffany is stoked to see it anyway. 

Tiffany says, " I didn't think that this dream would come true for me, that we could have all these nice finisheeeeees, and possibly even a pool." Except you can't have all these nice finishes, honey, because you can't afford it. 

Dylan says that the two houses they've looked at are "Tiffany" houses, but he wants to see a "Dylan" house.

The third house is 5 bedrooms and 3 baths in 3600 square feet for $268,000. Dylan asks Teresa if this is the "Dylan" house and then says, "It's about time, Teresa." Yeah, Teresa, you dumb bitch.

Ok, there are three people currently in the house, and not one of them mentions that ugly mural. WTF?

Tiffany doesn't like that there aren't granite countertops, but Teresa says it's a man made granite. There's no such thing as man made granite. Realtors are so full of shit most of the time.

And there's another God damn decorative clock. Did everyone in the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex hit up the Homegoods on the same day?

The current homeowners have turned a large closet on the first floor into a small playroom and even added a doorbell. Dylan says, "A doorbell on a closet?" Yeah, dummy, for the playroom.

Tiffany isn't sold on this house. She says, "I'm disappointed a little bit in this house." Yes, house, she's disappointed in you. "I walked in and expected to see some wood floors. I really wanted to see some granite countertops. I wanted to see the nice crown moldings. I'm just not seeing that in this house." Yeah, you're not seeing it in this house because it's not there. 

As they head up to the second floor, Tiffany says, "Teresa, I'm missing my iron spindles here," and Teresa replies, "You are, but that's an easy fix." Actually, that's really not an easy fix.

This backyard actually has a tree and some shrubs!

Tiffany tells Dylan, "I am a little bit concerned because I really wanted those upgrades and that's really important to me. I know that Teresa has mentioned we could go in and have that put in, but I'm kind of concerned that you're not going to put them in as quickly as I need them." Apparently Tiffany has a disease where she can't function unless her home has the right kind of crown moldings. It's a serious condition. She's an American hero.

Tiffany and Dylan discuss the houses as they drive on one of the many expressways in Texas. Focus on the road, Dylan. House #1 is big and has the perfect spot for the piano, but it's at the top of their budget. House #2 has a pool and the upgrades Tiffany wants, but it's way over their budget. House #3 is the smallest, but it's way below their budget. They go with House #1

And now Tiffany has the perfect space to put her piano. And she won't be distracted by furniture because they don't have enough to fill their new home.