House Hunters International: With the boys from the Mersey and the Thames and the Tyne

Cottages in Oxfordshire

Description: Miles and Kristy hunt for cottages in Oxfordshire

Available on HGTV.com

Meet Miles and Kristy. They're married Mormons in love in Salt Lake City. Miles is a racecar designer and he's taken a job with a formula one racing company? (I don't know if that's what it is normally called) in Oxford. This immediately makes me think of Mike from the Real World London. 

Mike's very 90's with his earring and hair flopped to the side. I don't remember middle school that well; is it the left ear or the right ear that's gay?

But the rest of the cast doesn't look too dated. Kat would still fit in at NYU in that outfit. Lars's hair is a little too slicked back, but you could still chalk that up to being German. I think Jacinda's outfit still looks really cute, but I may be stuck in the 90's. Remember when Sharon lent Jacinda her magazine and when Jacinda returned it some of the pages were torn and it led to a big fight about Jacinda being inconsiderate? I miss the old Real World. It's all been downhill since Vegas, as most things are.

But back to the episode, and decade, at hand. Kristy is a big Jane Austen fan - uggggghhhhh - so she's looking forward to the move. Jane Austen fangirls do realize that Mark Darcy was a fictional character, right? And that even if he weren't, he'd be long dead by now?

Kristy asks the UPS Store employee if they could please have their box shipped to England. I think he's going to need a more specific address than that. 

Miles and Kristy ideally want a two bedroom English cottage near their church. Their budget is $18,000US a year and helping them with their house hunt is realtor Jackie. House hunting has actually replaced fox hunting in England. And they still wear those red jackets and bring those cute dogs with them!

The first house they look at is a 150-year-old two bedroom cottage and is on budget at $17,250 a year. 

Kristy says they're not used to such small appliances or having the washer in the kitchen. I've mentioned this before, but I do not understand how people planning a move to Europe don't know about the washer being in the kitchen. Come on dummies. And that refrigerator isn't that small. You're two people, how much food do they need to store? Unless they're planning for the second coming. Everyone knows that no one in Western Europe is going to get saved.

The living room has a nice old fireplace and great arched doors. 

The master bedroom is a really good size.

Miles is excited that there's built in closet space. If you'd like to know why that's exciting, just go to Ikea with my sister. Without fail, when you get to the wardrobe section, she'll explain to you why Ikea has such a large wardrobe selection, regardless of how many times she's told you before.

There's lots of outdoor space that they don't even have to take care of themselves.

House #2 is a two bedroom 1300 square foot home. It's not the English cottage Kristy wanted, but

being on the Thames more than makes up for it.

They like the updated kitchen, but Miles thinks it's too orange. Orange would not have been my first choice, but it's nice to see a little personality. I hate those staging shows and Bang for Your Buck when they advise people to make the space as generic as possible so it will appeal to as many people as possible and have a better resale value. Most people have shit taste, so do what you want and don't worry about it, I say.

The master bedroom is smaller than in house #1, but there's good storage space.

The best part of the house is the second floor living room. Some of the original beams are still in tact and the view is fantastic.

There are certainly worse views, such as of war crimes. Miles and Kristy will need to invest in good window treatments, if they go with this place.

House #3 is another two bedroom cottage, with parts of the home dating back to the 1600's. This cottage is over budget, though, at $19,500 a year. It's in a more remote location than the other two homes.

But there are nice views of the open fields. 

The house has more nice old details than the other two homes.

Like the cheese maker.

And the gun cupboard. I'll let Wayne handle this.

But replace rack with cupboard.

The kitchen is teeny tiny.

And the refrigerator is smaller than the one that was in my dorm room. Perk of going to a second tier state school: small refrigerators/freezers were included with the room.

But there is a nice view of the courtyard from the window above the kitchen sink.

The guest bedroom is off the kitchen. I wish my bedroom door looked like that.

There's more good closet space, but a non-functional fireplace.

The sunken living room is way classier than 1970's sunken living rooms

I can't figure out if that's a window or a people-sized fish tank.

But getting back to the 1600's, the master bedroom is in the old wine cellar and the original limestone is underneath the carpet.

Miles and Kristy discuss their options. House #1 is the smallest, but it's close to Miles' work and to their church. House #2 is on the Thames, but is not the cottage Kristy wants. House #3 is the oldest, but is over their budget and far from their church.

They decide on house #1 because Kristy thinks it's the "quintessential English cottage that [she's] always dreamed about when reading [her] Jane Austen novels."

Ugh.

House Hunters International: London Calling to the Faraway Towns

Village Life in Hertfordshire, UK
Description: A couple looks for a family home near London for around $400,000
Air date: 11/26/11 5:30 Central


Ok, so here's what you should know up front: I hate Anglophiles. And Francophiles. And all other-country-philes. I think it's dumb because if you romanticize another country, you overlook its flaws and tend to be pretty obnoxious about how awesome said country is. So with that said, meet Amanda and Darren.

Darren was born and raised in the UK and Amanda is from Mississippi and has lived in England for the past six years and they have twin toddlers. Like Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow before her, Amanda, our self-professed Anglophile, pretentiously speaks with a British accent and probably calls people named Anthony "Antony." Even the narrator likes to point out how "weird" it is that she picked up the accent so quickly. By weird she means obnoxious and affected. Amanda visits her family in Mississippi and her family is the kind of assholes who would name a child Holland. I bet there's a Madison in there somewhere too.

Back in the UK, Amanda and Darren begin looking for a home with the help of their realtor Katie. Damanda want a two bedroom, spacious home in a village close to the train for $400,000 American dollars and half a scone. Amanda wants a traditional English cottage because, ugh, of course she does, and he wants a modern home. At least she hasn't mentioned Jane Austin yet. 

House #1 is a modern two bedroom townhouse for $365,000. It's the kind of house that has doors on every room, which makes sense in that it keeps heat in the rooms, but still, a kitchen with a door on it would drive me nuts. They then look at the living room, which Amanda describes as small. Ok, so, she's lived in England for the past six years, yet it's still a surprise that an English house has small rooms? She is, as the British would say, daft.

They head upstairs to check out the bedrooms. She says the master bedroom is an odd shape. Yes, a rectangle is a very odd shape. Amanda then points out that, with regards to the size of the rooms, she has to keep in mind that she doesn't live in America anymore. Well, she hasn't lived in America for six years, so I don't know why this is such a problem. It was easier to pick up the accent than to get used to the room sizes, apparently. Darren likes the house, but she wants "something quirky" with "more of a cottage feel."

House #2 is an old, two bedroom home for $349,000.

The house comes with its own Sanford and Son-style junk pile. But it's British junk, so it's more refined. 

Amanda loves the house because it's what Americans think of when they think of an English cottage. Yes, I think of squalor and junk piles when I think of the classic English cottage. See what I mean about romanticizing? 

The kitchen isn't any better and the backyard doesn't have that much grass. It is at this point that Amanda says grass with an American accent and then asks, "I said <American accent>grass</American accent>, didn't I?" That's the problem with an affectation; you forget to keep it up and who you really are comes out. The realtor calls out the accent in the nicest way possible and Amanda tries to explain it, but the realtor, narrator, and I see through it.

The master bedroom looks like something out of Green Acres, but without fabulous Eva Gabor. New York is also where I'd rather stay.

The second bedroom is pretty small and Amanda whines, "This is the size of an American closet!" Here's the thing, she's right; it's the size of a closet and it's small even by European standards, but the inherent problem with going on House Hunters is that, even if your gripes are reasonable, you're always going to come off as whiny unless you're witty and most people on House Hunters aren't witty.

House #3 is a three bedroom home built in the 1960's that's $405,000.

It's also the house most likely to be seen in the movie Cemetery Junction. If you haven't seen that move, do. Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant walk the dramatic/comedic line masterfully. He likes the house because it reminds him of his parents' house, confirming my stereotype that all British towns are like Cemetery Junction. 

They again head upstairs to check out the bedrooms. The master bedroom is fine, but Amanda feels the second bedroom is too enclosed. Well, like most bedrooms, it has four walls and a door, so I guess that can feel enclosed.

It's decision time and Damanda have a lot to talk about. They eliminate House #3 first and go back and forth on House #1 and House #2.

Amanda's face really bugs me. Darren wants House #1, but Amanda still likes House #2. Darren logically points out that she needs to think about the family's needs and that her kids would probably resent her if she forced them to grow up sharing a closet-sized room. That last part goes unspoken. 

They pick House #1. Amanda says she has to "retrain [her] mind" to get used to the small rooms. We all have our crosses to bear.