House Hunters: Stuff White People Like

Opposites Attract in Chicago

Description: A couple disagrees on where to live in downtown Chicago.

Available on HGTV.com

Ok, so today's House Hunters are Jeff and Gina.

And I'm just going to say this upfront: I'm going to be very unfair to Jeff and Gina. Because, first of all, Gina brings her fucking dog Kevin everywhere. Listen, dogs are not children! They're not allowed to go everywhere you go. Especially in this coffee shop/bakery! Why did no one kick her out for violating the health code?! Why do grown-ass adults think it's ok to do this? What if someone in that bakery is allergic to dogs? Oh, you didn't think of that because your head is so far up your own ass. People who bring their non-service dogs everywhere are shitty and selfish.

Secondly, Gina and Jeff represent everything I hate about the northside of Chicago. 

Almost no one currently living on the northside is actually from Chicago. They're all from shithole suburbs like Naperville and Wheaton or random shithole towns in like Michigan. And you know that they're totally going to move back to their shithole suburb once she pops out their first kid. Maybe not right after the kid is born, but certainly by the time the kid is old enough to start school. The Latin School is expensive, CPS is scary, and charter schools are for poor kids. 

And they are, of course, Cubs fans. My sister has a theory that the reason white people love the Cubs so much is because they need to feel oppressed about something and liking a losing sports team is the easiest way to go about this. 

If I had the chance to wipe Wrigleyville off the face of the earth, I would absolutely do it, and we would be a better city, state, and country for it. 

And then there's the yoga. Yoga can go tantricly fuck itself. But even worse is lulufuckinglemon. If you spend $98 on yoga pants, you're probably a bad person (and also people can probably see your underwear). Then there are those lulufuckinglemon bags that every dumb girl who gets on the red line between Belmont and Clark & Division carries, with all those sayings and pieces of advice that would seem profound if you were in like 6th grade, but if you're old enough to afford your own $98 yoga pants, you're too old to think that anything written on that Goddamn bag resembles anything intelligent. 

BUT ANYWAY, helping Gina and Jeff find their dream home is television's Patrick Duffy.

Gina and Jeff want a two bed two bath condo near the L train with a parking spot for $300,000. Gina wants to move to Bucktown, but Jeff wants to stay near Lincoln Park and Lakeview. Gina wants to move to Bucktown because it's closer to her work and she currently has the very grueling commute time of 20 to 30 minutes. I wouldn't live in any of those neighborhoods, but if I had to pick one I would go with Bucktown.

House #1 is a two bed two bath 1100 square foot condo in Bucktown. 

And Gina brings the fucking dog to see the house. She asks television's Patrick Duffy if it's ok for her to bring her dog inside and he says it's fine. 1.) You should have asked that before you came to see the house. 2.) How does television's Patrick Duffy even know? Did he talk to the sellers before he set up the appointment and say, "My clients are the sort of assholes who bring their dog everywhere, so is it cool if they bring their tiny rat dog into your apartment?" 

So the condo is the same basic layout as all those new construction three flat buildings - kitchen as you enter, living and dining to the left, and the bedrooms off the hall in the back. 

My friends have a place just like this, but they were smart and put the dining area in that back corner. 

Gina says, "Look at these big huge windows, exactly what we wanted for Kevin." Because it bears repeating: Kevin is a fucking dog.

Jeff doesn't "like the views of the building next to [them]." This ain't Naperville, Jeff, you're neighbors are gonna be close. Welcome to Chicago.

Gina doesn't like that the bedrooms have carpet in them because Kevin still has accidents. So...your dog has bladder control issues, but you still insist on bringing him with you everywhere? 

House #2 is a 2 bed 2 bath 1200 square foot condo in Bucktown. It comes with a parking space, but that'll cost an extra $20,000. For $20,000 that parking space better be encrusted in diamonds. Blood diamonds. The bloodier the better. 

Television's Patrick Duffy points out that this place is near the L train like Jeff wanted. Just because it's near the L tracks doesn't mean that it's conveniently located. Where is it in relation to the actual stop? Or is Jeff just supposed to hop on the train as it goes by?

Gina says, "I notice Kevin has his eyes on the window already." I can't even deal with this much longer. 

Stank face! Jeff doesn't like that you can hear the traffic from Milwaukee Ave. on their balcony.

He also doesn't like that the fireplace is big and that "it takes up some square footage." Yes, it takes up all of four square feet. 

No stainless steel?!?! Heavens to murgatroid!

In the master bedroom, Gina scoffs, "Green with carpet?!" Oh my, neither of those are things that can be changed at all.

Gina doesn't like the bathroom counters and says, "That would be something we'd have to take care of right away." A broken toilet is something you'd have to take care of right away; you can live with an ugly counter.

House #3 is a 2 bed 2 bath 1300 square foot condo in Lakeview for $265,000.

Gina likes the building's entryway and says it "feels very Chicago."

Because this building is older it doesn't have the same open floor plan as the other two condos.

They, of course, love the exposed brick in the first bathroom.

Stank face! Jeff doesn't like that the building's HOA's are $550 a month.

Gina loves the kitchen and says it's how she would decorate it herself. Jeff and Gina notice that it's warm in the apartment and television's Patrick Duffy tells them that the condo has two window units in the basement but none currently on the main floor. Gina says she's never lived anywhere without air conditioning. In my opinion, everyone needs to live in a place without air conditioning at least once. It builds character. And maybe then you'll donate that $98 you were going to spend on yoga pants to an organization that helps out people who can't afford things like air conditioning or food or rent.

There's another living space in the basement and the two bedroom are down there as well.

Even though I would always pick an older building over new construction, I don't know if I would buy a garden unit. One time in college this creep who lived in my apartment building stole a bunch of thongs from the laundry room and then like flushed them down the toilet and the garden units all flooded. 

Gina and Jeff discuss the pros and cons of each condo. They're boring and I don't remember what they said. But ultimately they decide on house #2, which they get for $298,000, including the $20,000 parking space.

They really cleared out the Ikea and Crate and Barrel when decorating their new condo.