Tiny House Hunters: Yurt McGirt

Hippie non-sense. Shut it down.

Sound Healer Seeks Tiny House

Description: The title of the episode is the only official description I could find for this episode. But it's accurate.

Available on Amazon

So this episode of Tiny House Hunters is, I think, much more accurate of "tiny houses" than the family of six episode is. This episode actually features non-traditional housing options, as opposed to just small houses built for people who could only afford that.

Anyway, today's tiny house hunter is Melanie.

Melanie is a sound therapist (not a thing) and energy healer. She lives in LA, of course, and is looking for a tiny house. She has $70,000 cash to spend on the tiny house and the land it'll be on. She wants a unique, low maintenance home with good acoustics for her sound therapy (not a thing). She wants to see yurts, treehouses, homes on wheels, etc.

A pragmatic man wouldn't have this haircut.

Helping her is her friend Grant, who she says is pragmatic. I would have bet dollars to donuts that Grant was gay, but it turns out he's just European.

Grant's wife Jen is Melanie's realtor. She says that Melanie isn't a numbers person (shocking, I know), so she's going to have to keep her on track.

House #1 is a 452 square foot yurt. The basic yurt is $8,000, but the model they are seeing has $30,000 in upgrades.

Not an outhouse.

Before they even enter the yurt, Melanie asks, "Is this an outhouse?" She apparently wants an outhouse. I know a cabin in Corning, NY that has one. 

The yurt is actually pretty nice inside. The bamboo flooring, drywall, door, indoor plumbing, and windows are all upgrades.

There is no Dana. There is only Zuul.

Stank face! Melanie is surprised that the windows and doors are upgrades and that the basic yurt only comes with flaps. Does she even know what a yurt is? Have anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?

Melanie doesn't need any indoor plumbing because she wants the kitchen and bathroom to be outside.

Hippie non-sense. Shut it down.

"I view a clawfoot tub under the stars." Just because you saw that photo on Pinterest doesn't mean that that is actually something that exists.

Put some shoes on, Lil Abner!

Melanie likes the yurt because she loves, "the fact that it's round. It creates awesome energy." Hippie non-sense. Shut it down. But she doesn't like that there aren't a lot of closets because she's a hippie maximalist. 

House #2 is an Earthbag home from a company called Cal-Earth. I feel like a company like this only exists in California. 

So basically

an Earthbag home is made of sand and concrete put into a sandbag,

and then the sandbags are placed into circles,

and then held together with barbed wire and covered in "earth" to finish the structure. I guess "earth" means soil or clay or something? I don't really know; I don't live in California. 

All Earthbag homes are put together by the owners, or people the owner hires. I know that I would not be comfortable constructing my own home.

They check out the model home. Like the yurt, the windows and flooring are upgrades that cost additional money. The basic structure, materials, and the class about how to construct the home will cost $16,600, but with the necessary upgrades, Jen thinks the home is going to cost between $30,000 and $40,000.

Off the main center space are the "pods," which house the bathroom

and kitchen. Melanie would still prefer for the kitchen and bathroom to be outside so she can use those pods as storage space for all her stuff. Don't be a slave to your possessions, man.

Melanie doesn't care for the bedroom pod, which she says is claustrophobic and "a little tiny." She would prefer a bed loft, but that would block the natural light in the main area of the home.

House #3 is a tiny house on wheels. The model they're seeing is 180 square feet and costs $45,000. The basic model costs $23,000. Melanie likes that it's on wheels because she can be a "gypsy on the run." This is like the fifth time she's referred to herself as a gypsy in this episode. As far as I know, she is not, in fact, Roma. 

It's, obviously, very small, smaller than the current place she is renting. She likes the pine

Pine is the wood of poor people and outhouses.

and the sleep loft. 

She likes all the counter space, but she thinks this space could be better used as storage space rather than a kitchen.

Melanie thinks the bathroom is a good size considering the total size of the home, but Grant points out that she doesn't even want a bathroom in her home.

Melanie, Grant, and Jen discuss the houses they've seen.

House #1 has the bed loft she wants, but with so many upgrades it could get pricey.

House #2 was unique, but it might be too permanent for her, because apparently she is on the run from the law and might need to take off in the middle of the night.

House #3 had the lofted bed and Melanie loved the wood, but it might be too small for her.

Melanie picks House #1, which is what I would have gone with too.

Melanie bought a used yurt for $6,500. She paid $45,000 for the land at auction and she sounds like a real capitalist while talking about it. Greedhead!

It's decorated exactly as you expected. Real talk: it's not my style (though I don't think it's ugly by any means), but she has her own point of view and it's not cookie-cutter, so good for her. I do think she should get an area rug on that bed loft, though, before she gets a splinter on her ass.

She's still working on getting the outdoor kitchen and bathtub set up.

But she can comfortably pee outside now. Only in California.

House Hunters: Going Back to Cali

Settling Down in Los Angeles

Description: For most of their two year relationship, Jake and Rudi have lived over 100 miles apart. While Jake lives in Los Angeles, Rudi has been living in Palm Springs while renovating a house. Now, that this project is complete, Rudi's ready to move back to L.A. and take their relationship to the next level. They decided to buy a house together. The challenge? Rudi runs his own design company that buys, renovates and then sells homes. So, he wants to make changes to every house they see. Jake is all about the bottom line and doesn't want to take on a big project. With a budget of $700,000 to $1.4 million, can their friend and agent Peter Lavin find a house that they'll both like?
Available on HGTV.com

I like to think that House Hunters inclusion of the expressway is their subtle critique of southern California's terrible car culture.

So today's house hunters are Jake and Rudi.

The thing that I like most about House Hunters is that regardless of whether the house hunters are black or white, male or female, gay or straight, young or old, they're probably all really annoying, and wasn't that Martin Luther King's dream? That we judge people not by the color of their skin (or their gender or their sexuality or their age) but by the content of their shitty character? I think we should all take a minute to thank House Hunters and HGTV for making our society a little more equal and making that moral arc bend slightly more towards justice. Thank you, HGTV and House Hunters.

Anyway, Jake and Rudi have been dating for about two years. Shortly after they started dating, Rudi moved to Palm Springs for his interior design and construction business while Jake stayed in LA as a corporate lawyer. Rudi is now ready to move back and he and Jake are moving in together like a couple of lesbians on a second date.

They would like their new home to be at least 2000 square feet and have at least 3 bedrooms, one of which Jake will use as an office because he works from home, at least 2 bathrooms, and a pool. Their budget is between $700,000 and $1.4 million. That's an oddly huge range. Like all couples on this show, one wants an older home they can fix up, Rudi, and the other wants a more modern home and is more concerned with staying on budget, Jake.

Their realtor is Crocodile Dundee. He might not actually be Australian (his accent is kind of vague and at points sounded British), but he does for sure have feathered blonde hair, so I think it still counts.

House #1 is a 4 bedroom, 3 bath, 2150 square foot house in West Hollywood. They both love the location and Rudi likes that is an older fixer-upper. And at only $749,000, Jake doesn't mind that they'll have to put a lot of money into the home.

They can't really see the living because it's full of shit. Not literal shit. It doesn't look like it gets a lot of natural light, but it seems to be a good size.

The kitchen is pretty narrow, but Rudi says it doesn't matter because they'll just gut the whole thing. Jake says that the appliances are new, so can they keep those, but Rudi says, "No, they're horrible."

Rudi wants to get rid of the window and add French doors and use this room as a den.

And they would use this horrifying room as Jake's office. No one points out that this house must not have central air, which I would think would be an issue in southern California.

I love those tiles and so does Jake. But I think it would be pretty claustrophobic in that shower.

The master bedroom and master bathroom have some pretty magical wallpaper. Needless to say, all of this is going to be gutted. Maybe it was the way Rudi was saying it, but I never noticed before how violent it sounds to say it's going to be "gutted." How did that become the term?

The backyard has some creepy statues. Jake thinks that backyard is too small for a pool, but Rudi disagrees. I hope they get rid of the creepy statues before they come to life and try to drown them while they're swimming.

House #2 is a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house in the Hollywood Hills with just under 2000 square feet for $999,000. Jake prefers the modern, clean-lined style of the home, but doesn't like those tiles, and Rudi doesn't like the tiles, the garage door, or the front door.

The first floor is pretty open and has good natural light.

There's also a cool view of the Hollywood sign.

Aside from the oven, the kitchen hasn't really been updated. Crocodile Dundee says that most of the updates to the house have been on the lower level, which is where all the bedrooms are.

The master bedroom won't need any renovations besides a new coat of paint.

They like the updated bathroom and Jake specifically says he likes the sink, but, personally, I don't much care for vessel sinks.

Crocodile Dundee takes them to the basement (I guess?), which is only accessible by going down some stairs outside the house. This space is not included in the square footage total.

What neither Jake or Rudi mention is that this house is full of odd, random windows.

I mean, weird, right?

House #3 is a three bedroom, two bath 1657 square foot home in some LA neighborhood called Miracle Mile for $1.1 million. They both think the house looks small but has nice curb appeal.

The living room has arched ceilings, which Crocodile Dundee says is typical of 1920's Spanish-style homes.

I don't care if it's original to the house, that's an ugly fireplace.

The kitchen has been recently renovated, but Rudi doesn't like when cabinets don't go up to the ceiling because it doesn't look custom.

Jake says they could add French doors to the yard on the wall to the left, but Rudi asks where they would put the bed and Jake says under the window. Rudi says, "You don't want to put the bed under a window. That's just bad placement." I disagree. A bed under/in front of a window can totally work.

Rudi doesn't care for the house and says that "there's no wow factor" and the house is predictable. You know what would make the house unpredictable? If it imploded.

Jake and Rudi discuss their options. House #1 is the cheapest and the largest but requires a lot of renovations. House #2 has good views and doesn't need much updating, but they don't have a backyard and they couldn't add a pool. They immediately decide against house #3 because it's the smallest and most expensive. 

Jake and Rudi pick house #1. Jake explains that after they saw the house there were nine other offers on the house, but he and Jake were able to get it for $750,000 because they could pay with cash. 

When we catch up with them, they are still working on the renovations.

So far everything looks pretty good and I love those dark floors.