House Hunters: Not the good St. Petersburg, the other one

Search in St. Petersburg, Florida

Description: A single mother would like to downsize in St. Petersburg

Available on HGTV.com

We've already established that I don't like Atlanta and LA (but I do like Charles!). For me, and Gawker, though, Florida is worse than both those places. It's their fault we had 8 years of Bush. What kind of dummy can't figure out a ballot? And Katherine Harris. Man, fuck that bitch. Jeb Bush. How does a man named Jeb become in charge of anything? Florida blows (literally sometimes - heyo!) and so do the people who live there, like today's house hunter, Wendy.

Wendy and her daughter Addison are moving from the St. Petersburg suburbs to downtown St. Petersburg because, as part of her divorce settlement, Wendy has to sell the house. When did Addison become an acceptable first name? Wendy says that St. Petersburg - according the narrator, locals call it St. Pete; I will not be calling it St. Pete - is "only a few miles from here, but it's a completely different lifestyle." Yes, the famous St. Petersburg lifestyle. 

Wendy's budget is $450-500,000 and for that she wants a condo or townhouse with three bedrooms, an open floor plan, an updated kitchen,

a master bedroom with plenty of space for her ugly bedroom set, and

room for her 100+ pairs of shoes. Why would you install shelves in a closet that can't even fit your shoes? Wendy says she needs to find "the right place, not just any place," unlike all those other house hunters who just took the first place they saw with no considerations at all. Wendy is bringing her friend Lara with her for the house hunting, along with her realtor Georgia. 

The first condo they look at is $475,000 for two bedrooms and two bathrooms in 2100 square feet. 

Wendy doesn't like that there are only two bedrooms.

But she does like that there is a pool.

Why is the towel rack in the shower? Dumb Florida.

Lara points out that this closet is smaller than the one Addison currently has. Why would a child need a closet bigger than that?

The balcony off the master bedroom has great views of the parking lot, a parking garage, and some kind of office building. St. Petersburg really is, as Wendy claims, *snicker* where it's happening. *chortle* Since it is such a happening location and there's a pool, social rooms, and concierge service, the HOA fees are $813 a month.

The second place they look at is a three bedroom three bathroom townhouse for $400,000. 

Wendy points out, in an annoying singsongy voice, that "it's not really downtown." Georgia counters that since it is outside of downtown, it's under budget.

Ok, the furniture in this house. I just...don't know. I guess I would describe it as "Grandma-owned bordello" maybe. I already knew that people in Miami had ta-ta-ta-tacky taste from the episodes of Color Splash I've seen and I always figured that the rest of the state has terrible taste too and I've just been proven right.

I mean, seriously, who lives here? Wendy says that "it's not really her style," and her friend Lara reiterates that "it's not Wendy's style." Ladies, you're not keeping the furniture. 

The HOA fees of the townhouse are only $230 a month, because the place has like no amenities. Wendy says to the camera, "The other condo has more amenities, but significantly higher HOA's." Funny how that works.

Condo #3 is two bedrooms and two bathrooms in 2000 square feet for $499,000.

And these owners have really terrible taste too. Wendy likes that it's an open space, but that it's still clearly defined.

That kitchen. Gross.

That bathroom. Gross.

Pay no attention to that not at all creepy doll house that probably has the current owners trapped in it. Joke's on you, doll house. I've seen that episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? I'm not gonna get trapped like those other fools.

I, personally, am going to insist, the next time I move, that my bathroom has a racing stripe in it.

Is that red carpeting with peach paint? Gross.

Wendy doesn't like the carpeting or wall color, but no one has pointed out that there is only one teeny tiny window in the bedroom.

There's a rooftop pool and running track with really stunning views of the St. Petersburg stadium, all with a monthly HOA fee of $849. Wendy claims again that "St. Pete is really where all the action is." Florida has a really shitty definition of "action."

Wendy and Lara meet to discuss her options. The first condo had nice bedrooms and a pool, but the HOA's were $813 a month. The second townhouse was the least expensive, but was not in the happening downtown area. The third condo was the most expensive and had the highest HOA fees. Wendy decides to buy condo #1.

There's plenty of space for Wendy's tacky candles and

ugly oversized furniture.

Are they taking their cat for a walk in a stroller?

Yes, yes they are. That's just happening downtown St. Petersburg for ya.