House Hunters: Sorry, Charlie, Lincoln's on the Line

Half Full Versus Half Empty

Description: With plans to have kids, Nina and Jason moved to Chicago to be near family. But, with a tight budget, finding a place that has everything they want in the trendy Lincoln Square neighborhood isn't easy. Nina is willing to look at the bright side as they search for a home, while Jason sees only the negatives. Can their real estate broker, Zak Herman, find a place that makes them both happy?
Available on Hulu

So today's House Hunters are Jason and Nina.

Jason and Nina have been married for four years and they just moved here from DC because they want to be closer to Nina's family in South Bend, IN. Anyone from South Bend is alright by me. 

Jason and Nina have annoying hobbies, like riding a fake Vespa without wearing helmets, and

playing the ukulele. I think Jason thinks he's Zooey Deschannel.

They've been staying at their friends' apartment while they look for a home. I love my friends, but none of y'all are staying with me for an extended period of time. It would probably end in murder-suicide.

Nina and Jason are looking for a two bed two bath place with updated appliances and in-unit laundry for $200-$250,000 in Lincoln Square. I love Lincoln Square. It's a really great neighborhood. Their realtor is Zak.

House #1 is a 2 bed 1 bath 800 square foot condo in Lincoln Square.

I don't think I could live in a building with creepy faces on the facade. I mean, I'm not goth.

The kitchen is right off the front door.

Jason thinks the kitchen is too small, especially if the two of them have to be in there at the same time.

There's a balcony off the dining space and Jason says douchily, "Oh yeah, that's the grill space!"

Nina likes the exposed brick, but I don't think it makes much sense in this space. Exposed brick in a loft or other industrial space makes sense; in a vintage building it just kind of looks like the room is incomplete.

Jason says douchily, "Look how small this is. We're basically in the kitchen and the dining room and the living room at the same time." Well, I guess that could be true if you somehow cut yourself into three pieces and regenerated. Otherwise, you're just being hyperbolic about an open floor plan. (Jason just made me kind of defend open floor plans, so thanks for that, guy.)

Jason thinks the master bedroom is too small, but Nina says there's a nice view from the window.

Jason says douchily, "So we can stare out the window and dream of a yard." First of all, green space wasn't even on their wishlist. Secondly, if you want green space for $200,000, move to Logan Square.

Zak shows them the second bedroom, which is kind of small.

Jason says douchily, "This is a bedroom? I don't know how it's a bedroom if I can touch both walls." As you can see from the screenshot above, Jason isn't actually touching both walls.

Now, if you wanted to argue that this isn't really a bedroom because of the utility closet

and the second exit,

that would be a more valid argument. But the second you use condescending

"air quotes," you totally lose your argument.

House #2 is a 2 bed 2 bath 950 square foot apartment for $189,000 in Lincoln Square. 

They have to come in through the back because the front stairs are being recarpetted. Nina and Jason immediately notice the "totally outdated appliances."

Jason says douchily, "I don't even think there's a garbage disposal in here."

Uh, yeah, you could tell just by looking at the sink that there wasn't a garbage disposal, you didn't really have to check under the sink. 

The living room is right off the kitchen. Jason does not say anything douchily about this.

But Jason does say douchily, "And then there's the radiator sticking right out in the middle of the room." First of all, radiators are awesome. You live in a place with radiators, you will not be cold all winter. Second, that's hardly "right out in the middle of the room." Jason would be less annoying if he stopped being so goddamn dramatic about everything.

They both think the master bedroom is a good size.

But, Jason says douchily (again), "There's that radiator again. It takes up some valuable space." Yes, it looks to take up about 18 inches by 12 inches of space. 

Cute jacket, Nina. Jason and Nina discuss their budget with Zak. Zak thinks they'll have to raise the budget to $250,000 in order to get all the things they want.

House #3 is a 2 bed 2 bath 1200 square foot condo for $249,000 in Lincoln Square.

Ok, a fireplace, built-ins, and a sunroom! Sold, as far as I'm concerned. 

But Jason says douchily, "Listen to these floors." It should be noted that the floors are not very loud. They're old; they're going to make some noise.

Cute jacket, Nina. The master bedroom has a good sized closet.

There's also an ensuite bathroom, but Jason doesn't think it's big enough. Jason says douchily, "It's a little small. We're basically going to be climbing over each other." I don't get why couples on these shows are always going to be in the bathroom at the same time. Just take turns!

They check out the second bathroom off the hallway and Zak says it's also "highly upgraded." Jason says douchily, "And also highly small." You just said two bathrooms, not that each bathroom had to be a certain size.

They also check out the second bedroom, which has a larger closet than the master.

The L train goes by and Jason says douchily, "There it is. There's the train." 

They both like the kitchen.

They check out their back porch, which is a good size for a back porch.

But there's that train again.

There's extra storage space in the basement and Jason says douchily, "It looks a little like a prison cell." You're not living in there Jason. It's not even attached to your apartment.

They head back up to the apartment to discuss the pros and cons and there goes that damn train again.

Jason and Nina discuss the apartments they've just seen while hanging out in Millenium Park for some reason. Cute jacket, Nina.

Apartment #1 has nice finishes, but it's pretty small. Apartment #2 is the least expensive, but it would need some work. Apartment #3 is the most expensive, but it's the largest and it doesn't need any additional work.

Nina and Jason pick apartment #3.

Jason and Nina have settled into their new place.

And they just happen to be doing laundry and making some food.

Ron Swanson is so pissed right now.

House Hunters: Stuff White People Like

Opposites Attract in Chicago

Description: A couple disagrees on where to live in downtown Chicago.

Available on HGTV.com

Ok, so today's House Hunters are Jeff and Gina.

And I'm just going to say this upfront: I'm going to be very unfair to Jeff and Gina. Because, first of all, Gina brings her fucking dog Kevin everywhere. Listen, dogs are not children! They're not allowed to go everywhere you go. Especially in this coffee shop/bakery! Why did no one kick her out for violating the health code?! Why do grown-ass adults think it's ok to do this? What if someone in that bakery is allergic to dogs? Oh, you didn't think of that because your head is so far up your own ass. People who bring their non-service dogs everywhere are shitty and selfish.

Secondly, Gina and Jeff represent everything I hate about the northside of Chicago. 

Almost no one currently living on the northside is actually from Chicago. They're all from shithole suburbs like Naperville and Wheaton or random shithole towns in like Michigan. And you know that they're totally going to move back to their shithole suburb once she pops out their first kid. Maybe not right after the kid is born, but certainly by the time the kid is old enough to start school. The Latin School is expensive, CPS is scary, and charter schools are for poor kids. 

And they are, of course, Cubs fans. My sister has a theory that the reason white people love the Cubs so much is because they need to feel oppressed about something and liking a losing sports team is the easiest way to go about this. 

If I had the chance to wipe Wrigleyville off the face of the earth, I would absolutely do it, and we would be a better city, state, and country for it. 

And then there's the yoga. Yoga can go tantricly fuck itself. But even worse is lulufuckinglemon. If you spend $98 on yoga pants, you're probably a bad person (and also people can probably see your underwear). Then there are those lulufuckinglemon bags that every dumb girl who gets on the red line between Belmont and Clark & Division carries, with all those sayings and pieces of advice that would seem profound if you were in like 6th grade, but if you're old enough to afford your own $98 yoga pants, you're too old to think that anything written on that Goddamn bag resembles anything intelligent. 

BUT ANYWAY, helping Gina and Jeff find their dream home is television's Patrick Duffy.

Gina and Jeff want a two bed two bath condo near the L train with a parking spot for $300,000. Gina wants to move to Bucktown, but Jeff wants to stay near Lincoln Park and Lakeview. Gina wants to move to Bucktown because it's closer to her work and she currently has the very grueling commute time of 20 to 30 minutes. I wouldn't live in any of those neighborhoods, but if I had to pick one I would go with Bucktown.

House #1 is a two bed two bath 1100 square foot condo in Bucktown. 

And Gina brings the fucking dog to see the house. She asks television's Patrick Duffy if it's ok for her to bring her dog inside and he says it's fine. 1.) You should have asked that before you came to see the house. 2.) How does television's Patrick Duffy even know? Did he talk to the sellers before he set up the appointment and say, "My clients are the sort of assholes who bring their dog everywhere, so is it cool if they bring their tiny rat dog into your apartment?" 

So the condo is the same basic layout as all those new construction three flat buildings - kitchen as you enter, living and dining to the left, and the bedrooms off the hall in the back. 

My friends have a place just like this, but they were smart and put the dining area in that back corner. 

Gina says, "Look at these big huge windows, exactly what we wanted for Kevin." Because it bears repeating: Kevin is a fucking dog.

Jeff doesn't "like the views of the building next to [them]." This ain't Naperville, Jeff, you're neighbors are gonna be close. Welcome to Chicago.

Gina doesn't like that the bedrooms have carpet in them because Kevin still has accidents. So...your dog has bladder control issues, but you still insist on bringing him with you everywhere? 

House #2 is a 2 bed 2 bath 1200 square foot condo in Bucktown. It comes with a parking space, but that'll cost an extra $20,000. For $20,000 that parking space better be encrusted in diamonds. Blood diamonds. The bloodier the better. 

Television's Patrick Duffy points out that this place is near the L train like Jeff wanted. Just because it's near the L tracks doesn't mean that it's conveniently located. Where is it in relation to the actual stop? Or is Jeff just supposed to hop on the train as it goes by?

Gina says, "I notice Kevin has his eyes on the window already." I can't even deal with this much longer. 

Stank face! Jeff doesn't like that you can hear the traffic from Milwaukee Ave. on their balcony.

He also doesn't like that the fireplace is big and that "it takes up some square footage." Yes, it takes up all of four square feet. 

No stainless steel?!?! Heavens to murgatroid!

In the master bedroom, Gina scoffs, "Green with carpet?!" Oh my, neither of those are things that can be changed at all.

Gina doesn't like the bathroom counters and says, "That would be something we'd have to take care of right away." A broken toilet is something you'd have to take care of right away; you can live with an ugly counter.

House #3 is a 2 bed 2 bath 1300 square foot condo in Lakeview for $265,000.

Gina likes the building's entryway and says it "feels very Chicago."

Because this building is older it doesn't have the same open floor plan as the other two condos.

They, of course, love the exposed brick in the first bathroom.

Stank face! Jeff doesn't like that the building's HOA's are $550 a month.

Gina loves the kitchen and says it's how she would decorate it herself. Jeff and Gina notice that it's warm in the apartment and television's Patrick Duffy tells them that the condo has two window units in the basement but none currently on the main floor. Gina says she's never lived anywhere without air conditioning. In my opinion, everyone needs to live in a place without air conditioning at least once. It builds character. And maybe then you'll donate that $98 you were going to spend on yoga pants to an organization that helps out people who can't afford things like air conditioning or food or rent.

There's another living space in the basement and the two bedroom are down there as well.

Even though I would always pick an older building over new construction, I don't know if I would buy a garden unit. One time in college this creep who lived in my apartment building stole a bunch of thongs from the laundry room and then like flushed them down the toilet and the garden units all flooded. 

Gina and Jeff discuss the pros and cons of each condo. They're boring and I don't remember what they said. But ultimately they decide on house #2, which they get for $298,000, including the $20,000 parking space.

They really cleared out the Ikea and Crate and Barrel when decorating their new condo.