Income Property: Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Emotional Income

No official description available. My description: Scott is awesome and Alice is a crazy bitch.

Available on HGTV.com

This is Alice and her daughter Cindy, who recently moved out. Cindy seems fine, but Alice is a crazy bitch. More on that later. 

Now that Cindy has moved out, Alice wants to renovate and rent out the main floor and second floor of the Victorian home she purchased 15 years ago for $200,000, making $1,000 a month mortgage payments. The house already has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and laundry.

Can my hot Canadian fix this place up? Nope. This episode ends after four minutes. 

Of course he can. He already has two options for Alice and Cindy.

Option #1 fixes the place up quickly so they can get it rented out as soon as possible. Instead of doing major renovations, they're just going to upgrade what's already there and paint the floors instead of totally replacing them. This renovations costs $15,000 and would bring in $1,400 in rent a month.

Option #2 involves way more. They'll replace the floors, redo the entire upstairs bathroom, and make the entire top floor a master suite. This renovations costs $30,000 and will bring in $1,800 a month.

Alice and Cindy choose #2. I don't know why Cindy gets a vote; it's not her money.

The teams starts ripping out the dry wall, the bathroom, the floors, and everything else, pretty much.

I really want one of these big ass screwdrivers, but I'm fairly certain I would wind up somehow killing myself with it. And unless it comes with an allen wrench attachment, it's not really gonna help me put together my ikea furniture.

Alice has a bunch of annoying questions and Scott, as my grandma would say, has the patience of a saint. 

All is going well until Alice sees the color of the flooring. I don't know why it's so objectionable, but that's because I'm a rational human being. Alice freaks out and throws a tantrum.

"Stop it here. I've got to digest this. Two things you are disappointing me. One is the color." She never says what the second thing is. Scott explains that he got the darker color - which isn't even that dark - to go with the kitchen cabinets and countertops, but Alice don't care; Alice don't give a shit.

Since only a few floor boards had been lain, Scott decides to appease Alice and put down lighter hardwood floors. I would have just told Alice to sit and spin, but that's why it's better that I'm not on TV.

It's the day of the appraisal and reveal and Scott gets a call from his office and is told that Alice refuses to show up. In the words of Stephanie Tanner, how rude. 

Scott decides to just do the reveal with the appraiser. The appraiser probably wasn't expecting to be put in the middle of some petulant asshole's conniption, but such is the life a Canadian real estate appraiser. 

The apartment looks really nice, though the darker wood floors would have looked better than the lighter wood. The appraiser says that the house is now worth between $600,000 and $700,000. You're welcome, Alice.

Oh, um, so Alice still lives here. All that work and having to deal with dumbass Alice and she's not even going to rent out the space? Scott should tell her to kiss his grits.

For Rent: Guilty by Association

The Verdict is Still Out

Description: A couple want a loft in a good location with lots of amenities and charm, but they may not be prepared for the cost involved.

Available on HGTV.com

For Rent is actually my favorite show on HGTV because I'm a renter and because there's also a design component to the show. Because they're not actually buying a place, the people on For Rent tend to be less heinous than the people on House Hunters. But that doesn't mean we can't make fun of them

Meet Sarah and Jason, two free spirits and recent law school grads - I was unaware that free spirits get postgraduate degrees - who want to move to "the city." My one complaint about For Rent is that they always just vaguely refer to "the city" but never actually name "the city."So far all I know is that "the city" has a lake. I think it's Toronto, but my knowledge of Canadian geography is lacking, so I might be wrong. 

Anyway, Sarah seems alright, but Jason is the kind of asshat who pops his collar, wears leather cord necklaces, and has permanent stubble. 

Sarah and Jason have been staying on a futon at their friend's place for the past few months. Or as he calls it, their "humble bode." I guess he thought the A in abode was unnecessary.

They meet with Jodi to tell her about themselves and what they want in an apartment. Sarah and Jason hate, hate, hate the suburbs.

Yet their wishlist is very suburban. Their budget is $2000 a month with utilities included.

Jason is also the kind of asshat who high fives at the end of conversations. It totally demeans the importance of the high five. High fives should be used sparingly and only when something truly awesome happens.

Apartment #1 is $1750 a month plus utilities and is in a heritage home.

The kitchen is not updated and the cabinets are just like the ones in my old apartment. And guess what? They still held food and plates and other kitchen items as well as any new cabinets would. There's still a good amount of counter space, regardless of how ugly the countertops are.

The master bedroom is a good size, but Sarah doesn't like the carpeting. I feel her on the carpeting thing. Carpeting in apartments grosses me out. It just feels like it's full of germs and bacteria and poop.

Sarah is allegedly not sure how to decorate the bedroom, but Jodi has a plan already figured out.

Apartment #2 is $2000 including utilities and is a new construction building. Sarah isn't sure if she wants to spend that much. Then she shouldn't have told Jodi that that is their budget.

They like the openness of the space, because they're suburban but don't want to admit it.

Jason likes the granite countertops in both the kitchen and bathroom and he likes the jacuzzi tub in the bathroom. They really are edgy free spirits. 

Once again they're not certain how they would decorate their space and again Jodi already has a plan made out. 

Apartment #3 is $1650 including utilities and is in a converted chocolate factory. Even though I don't care for lofts, it might be kind of awesome to live in an old chocolate factory. On the other hand, you might one day stumble upon the rotting corpse of Augustus Gloop when you're getting something from the storage room.

Jason loves the granite countertops and stainless steel appliances because he isn't any better than the suburban people he hates.

He also loves the exposed brick wall because Canada is always ten to fifteen years behind what America is into.

Sarah is concerned about the lack of storage space in the apartment because she needs lots of space for her clothes and shoes. She's just one of those free spirit maximalists who owns a lot of shit, ya'll.

Jodi shows her design plans for the living room.

Jodi, Sarah, and Jason discuss their apartment options. They eliminate apartment #2 first.

They decide to go with apartment #3, the loft. 

Jason calls the landlord and finds out that he's in the process of finalizing a lease with another person, but agrees to meet with Sarah and Jason. Jason pretentiously ends the call with "cheers." Jodi advises them that they should present themselves as young professionals.

She should have also told him not to high five the landlord.

The end up getting the apartment and if I were that other person I would be totally pissed.

I can smell the axe body spray from here.

A month later, they're ready to move in. They decide to impose on their friends even more by not hiring movers. Seriously, the $400 you spend on professional movers is totally worth it. Best money I ever spent, twice.

Sarah snarks that "Jason and all his friends are insisting on wearing sunglasses and looking cool while we're moving." For someone who's dating an asshat, she's surprisingly sharp and aware. She seems as annoyed by his friends as I would be.

Jodi decorates their apartment and this is the part of the show where I would say, "Thanks, but no thanks." Jodi always does a nice job, but where's the fun in having someone else decorate your place? 

Profiles in Awesomeness: Charles Burbridge

Ok, so Charles is awesome because he's like your dad if your dad were totally gay. When you google Charles Burbridge, the second auto-fill suggestion is Charles Burbridge bear. He's like the guy I saw on the Damen bus once who reminded me of my dad and his cellphone ringtone was Lady Gaga's "Boys Boys Boys." 

According to the HGTV website:

Los Angeles native Charles Burbridge left his growing decorative painting and interiors business to join the HGTV family. Though this is his first foray into broadcast television, Charles has been a working actor for the past decade and is a founding member of the popular Bay Area improvisational sketch comedy troupe Big Boned Theatre. Dividing his time between his numerous creative pursuits has always been a challenge, but at last he has found the perfect blending of his many interests and artistic abilities as a part of the Design on a Dime team.

Charles' awesomeness overcomes both his decorative painting and improv backgrounds. I'd estimate that I hate 99% of all decorative painters - like Frank on Trading Spaces - and 99% of all improv comedians, but apparently the combination of the two creates telegenic magic.


According to his facebook profile - I'm seriously considering asking him to be my friend - he was on about 130 episodes of Design on a Dime from 2001-2006. Charles is in the episodes hosted by Sam Kivett and Lee Snijders, which is really unfortunate because both of those people suck. Sam Kivett was just dull and monotone and wore obnoxious glasses, but Lee Snijders was a douche nozzle who thought he was super rad. If the client gave even the slightest hint that they might be into it, he would go for the rat pack, tiki bar, 1960's Vegas bullshit, about 8 years after that trend died. That shit's just gross. Additionally, after googling Charles Burbridge bear - I had to do it - I found out that Lee used his money from Design on a Dime to make girl-on-girl porns.


Charles is like your dad if your dad were gay and made things like:

framed doilies,

shadowboxes,

tea light lanterns (look at how happy he is with his finished product),

animal print stockings,

and coconut candles.

I'm not entirely sure what Charles is up to these days. Facebook says he will graduate from the School of Hard Knocks in 2012, but I don't think that school is even accredited. Facebook also tells me that Charles is into David Sedaris, Oscar Wilde, Johnny Weir, True Blood, and Hedwig and the Angry Inch. So, like your dad if your dad were totally gay.