House Hunters: Greetings from Aurora

Acting Picky in Aurora
Description: Sarah and Robert, are passionate about their acting, and picky about their house hunting! They're eager to escape their loud apartment for a starter home in the Chicago suburb of Aurora, Ill, but they won't settle when it comes to their personal wish lists. While Robert hates prominent garages and outdated ovens, Sarah can't handle layouts where the furniture would have to be next to a window.
Available on Amazon

Alternate title: Fuck you, Aurora. But I didn't think it would be appropriate to drop an f-bomb in the title. 

So I know it's been a while since I've updated this blog, but there haven't been a ton of good House Hunters episodes online. I mean, they all feature kind of annoying people, but no one I could really rip in to. But then I saw that this episode features picky house hunters who are also amateur actors and I was like:

So today's house hunters are Robert and Sarah.

Robert is a corporate trainer, whatever the hell that is, and Sarah is a student teacher who just got her masters in education. And they're both amateur actors. 

Amateur actors are the worst because they feel like they have something to prove because they're not professional actors, so they're always on. Or so I've noticed.

So despite the House Hunters opening shot, Robert and Sarah don't actually live in Chicago; they live in Aurora, which is about 60 minutes west of the city. It's the last stop on 88 before farmland. Aurora does have a pretty nice outlet mall, though.

Their budget is $215,000, which isn't that big of a budget, even by Aurora standards, and they want a move-in ready house with 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a basement, and a yard. And each of them has asshole requirements. He says, "If I don't like the oven, I'm done; it's a dealbreaker." Sarah points out that ovens can be replaced, which was probably everyone's initial thought, but Robert says, "The simple fact is if they don't have a nice oven, then they didn't care about their home and that's not a place that's gonna have a good energy to it, a good feel." That's more of an opinion than a fact, but whatever. I wonder what happened in Robert's childhood that made a home's oven that important. If you have a theory, leave it in the comments section. Sarah's weird-ass requirement is that no furniture can go in front of a window. "I have a thing about furniture being up against windows. I think it's tacky."

And yet she doesn't have a thing about tacky furniture on non-windowed walls.

Robert realizes their budget isn't very big and says that he has, "A luxury taste with an economical budget." Nothing says luxury taste like an Old Navy argyle sweater and a Great Clips haircut.

House #1 is a 2 bed, 2 bath 1552 square foot single family home in Aurora for $239,000. There is not a third bedroom, but there is a den.

So Robert's other high-maintenance demand is that he doesn't want a "prominent garage." I guess any garage that is in the front of the house would be a  "prominent garage," so basically every new construction home is going to have a "prominent garage." Move to an older suburb with houses from the 1950's or earlier if you want a detached garage in the back of the house.

Sarah doesn't like that "all the houses seem to be right on top of each other." Are these simple bitches unfamiliar with subdivisions? It's prominent garages and house on top of house for as far as the eye can see. Their realtor Brian says, "We can solve all those issues. Give me more money." Sarah responds, "Or we could find a new realtor." All of this happens before they even step foot in the house.

The house is your typical new construction. 

Sarah of course comments on the couch in front of the window. "Those windows are beautiful and then there's a couch in front of them." Beautiful is kind of a strong word; they seem like standard windows to me.

The oven meets Robert's high oven standards.

They don't like the yard and the distance from their neighbors. Robert doesn't want the "neighbors to have a front row seat to [his] entire life." I'm sure they don't either, friend.

Robert looks crestfallen when he finds out that there isn't a basement.

Because of their limited budget, Brian decides to show Robert and Sarah townhomes instead of single family homes.

House #2 is $180,000 and has 2 bedrooms and 2 baths in 1850 square feet.

The living room is right off the stairway and Robert and Sarah like the wall color because look at the way they're dressed, of course they love boring colors.

Another oven that meets Robert's standards.

Though he doesn't like that there's a bathroom right off the dining room. One time I was at my friend's friend's apartment and it was just the three of us and the girl's apartment had a bathroom right off the kitchen, next to the refrigerator, and she peed with the bathroom door open. It was weird and gross because 1.) who pees with the door open in front of other people and 2.) who pees with the door open when the bathroom is right off the kitchen? I don't know, they were both hippies, so I think that had something to do with it.

They check out the back deck and Sarah says, "That pond is awesome to have in the back." There really is nothing more awesome than a retention pond.

But then Sarah also says, "Those neighbors are really close." Yeah, who would have thought that your townhouse neighbors would be that close? It's like your houses are attached or something.

There isn't a 3rd bedroom, but Brian shows them the small space on the ground floor. No one mentions the mauve carpeting, which seems weird because that is the first thing I would mention.

So the other day I walked to the Target on State Street during my lunch hour. I stepped on one of these Theater District placards and it was loose and it had rained earlier in the day, so all this water soaked my legs (luckily I was wearing a skirt and not pants) and shoes and I had to walk to Target with wet shoes. Then when I got back to the office I cleaned my legs off with a Clorox wipe because rainwater is disgusting. But not as disgusting as the water that can drip on you when you walk under the L tracks. But I digress.

House #3 is another townhome, but this one is in Naperville, which is east of Aurora. The townhome has 3 bedrooms and 2.5 baths in 1552 square feet, which is oddly the exact same square footage as the first house they saw.

Robert whines that "the garage is the most prominent feature."

The living room and dining room seem pretty basic.

They see the patio space and Robert says, "This is the outdoor space? Quote unquote." People who say "quote unquote" are quote unquote d-bags. And you can quote me on that.

The kitchen is an alright size, but

"This [oven] is a no!"

"The kitchen is the heart of the home and the oven is the heart of the kitchen." The heart of the heart? Ok...

This is the only house that has a subpar oven, but

this is also the only house that has a (very unorganized - somebody call Niecy!) basement.

Robert and Sarah discuss their three options. House #1 is single family and a good size, but it's above their budget. House #2 has Robert's favorite kitchen and it's the end unit, but it doesn't have a third bedroom. House #3 has the basement they wanted, but it's not an end unit, so they'd be sharing two walls. 

They pick House #2.

So they're all moved in and they got new furniture and Sarah says that she thought the couch would fit, but then it sort of slightly blocked the window, and she thought that she could live with it, but she can't, and now they're getting a new couch. Because the couch blocks maybe four inches of the window. This bitch is crazy. I wonder what happened in Sarah's childhood that made no furniture/window overlap that important. If you have a theory, leave it in the comments section.

House Hunters: The Tudors, Or The Dream of the 1490's is Alive in Portland

Tudor vs. Modern in Portland

Description: A wife with a 100-point house-grading system looks for an English Tudor in Portland, Ore., while her husband fancies a more modern mid-century home.
Available on xfinity.com

Today's house hunters are Zak and Andrea.

Zak's an ophthalmologist and Andrea's a school psychologist. They're originally from South Dakota but moved to Portland three years ago for Zak's glaucoma fellowship. They've decided to stay in Portland permanently. Andrea says that, "Everybody is here because they love Portland." Not like those other cities where people are there because they're being held against their will. Certainly there must be at least one or two people in Portland who don't love it.

They have an adorable 18-month-old daughter named Kate. Seriously, that kid should be in Target ads or the photos that come in picture frames.

Zak and Andrea have been looking for a house for two years (TWO YEARS!) and since they've been looking for so long, Andrea has developed a 100 point (100 POINT!) rating system for the houses they see. What's that they say about psychologists being nuttier than their patients? 

That's the face Zak makes as Andrea describes her house ranking system. Seems about right.

Anyway, their budget is $600-$650,000 and they want a four bed, three bath home in NE Portland with city views, a playroom, a backyard, a large kitchen, and a formal dining room. Andrea wants a Tudor-style home, but Zak prefers mid-century modern. Normally I prefer older-type homes, but I hate Tudor #sorrynotsorry It's too cartoony, if that makes any sense.

Their poor, put-upon realtor is Lindsey. She doesn't like "using the word demanding," but Zak and Andrea are total demanding, picky house monsters.

House #1 is a Tudor-style 3000 square-foot house with 3 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms for $500,000. 

The living room has a big poop-colored fireplace. It's always nice for a home to have a poop-colored focal point in the living room. 

Zak likes the sconces, which are original to the home, but I think they're ugly #sorrynotsorry Just because something's old doesn't mean it's good-looking or worth keeping around. Ya hear that, Grandma? #sorrynotsorry

There's a covered back porch and they like that they'll be able to sit on the deck when it rains. And isn't it always raining in the Pacific Northwest? But, Zak says, "We're all closed in by trees. We're never gonna have those downtown views that we wanted." Isn't all of Portland basically trees? As a result of all that rain?

The actual yard part of the backyard isn't very big.

There's a formal dining room, but Zak thinks it seems kind of small. One of the things I hate most about Tudor design is the criss-crossed lines on windows and glass, like on that cabinet. I'm sure at one point that was necessary to keep the window together, or something, but now it's just superfluous...#sorrynotsorry 

Zak and Andrea don't like the kitchen and think it's too small. One of them says that, "The flow is terrible," and the other one says, "There's nothing good about this kitchen."

They like the size of the master bedroom, but Andrea doesn't like that there isn't an en-suite bathroom. Ok. If you're looking for an older home: 1.) the kitchen is probably going to be small, 2.) the bathrooms are probably going to be small and not connected to the bedrooms, 3.) the closets are probably going to be small. If those things are actual deal breakers, then don't look at old homes.

The non-suite bathroom has what I consider to be fantastic mint-colored tiles.

But they don't like tiny shower.

The basement is finished and has some knotty pine panelling worthy of a south side basement with a built-in bar #speakingfromexperience

Lindsey asks Andrea how this house ranks on her 100 point system. You would think Lindsey would be the last one who would want to encourage Andrea and her insane 100 point system. Andrea says, "I'll take some points off for not having city views and for the kitchen not being very big." In a "no shit Sherlock" moment (#sorrynotsorry), Andrea says that maybe if she wants the big kitchen and en-suite bathroom, she's going to have to give up the Tudor-style ghost. 

House #2 is a Colonial 2700 square foot home with 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms for $550,000.

This house looks like it's been professionally staged. 

They like the big window and that they sort of have city views.

I'm not really seeing any sort of city views though #sorrynotsorry

They like the backyard and Andrea specifically likes the "play structure." You mean the swing set? Play structure sounds so utilitarian, like what kids would "play" on in our distopian Brave New World future. (Are there kids in Brave New World? I never read the book.)

Zak says, "That view I loved so much, it looks like it's a little blocked in," and that, "The one thing that is the most bothersome to me is the wires." You like electricity? And cable tv? And wi-fi? Well, you're gonna have to deal with some wires.

Of course they love the big, updated kitchen. I like the black cabinets. Andrea doesn't like that the sink is in the middle of the kitchen because the dirty dishes will be building up in the center of the room. I think the assumption is that the dirty dishes will go in the dishwasher.

They don't mind that the master bedroom is smaller than in the first house because they like the windows and the views.

There's also an en-suite bathroom, which is small but nicely updated.

Again with the hundred point system. "I'm gonna have to take a few points for obviously not being Tudor. The 4th bedroom, while it does have one, is kind of small, so I might take off some points for that." Zak tells Lindsey he'd like to see a more modern house.

House #3 is a modern 4 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom 3200 square foot house for $600,000. This might sound like something a picky house hunter might say, but I do not like front decks and I think decks should only be in back. Wooden decks are inherently unattractive and I think they're just too big for the front of a house. If there isn't room in the backyard, they you're just going to have to live without a deck #sorrynotsorry

This house definitely has the most open floor plan of all three houses, which Zak likes. I have to say, as far as open floor plans go, this one is the best kind, because the kitchen is still somewhat hidden, so it doesn't have to be immaculate when you have guests.

They love the views from the living room/dining room.

This is the view they've been obsessing over?! The one of like six kind of tall buildings?! I just...don't get it #sorrynotsorry

I will say, these Portland homes have some great, big windows. 

The kitchen is ugly. The homeowners clearly just painted some old-ass cabinets a terrible color and tried to update the countertops but cheapened out by getting granite tiles instead of getting a stone slab. Grout is a breeding ground for bacteria! And I hate the tile along the countertop edges #sorrynotsorry

So the "backyard" is just one giant deck. Why did they need the deck in the front then?! This house is driving me crazy! Zak and Andrea don't like that there isn't a yard in the backyard, but Lindsey says that they could remove half of it and add sod.

Lindsey tells the camera, "I don't know how much more I can endure with these people." Ohhh, you know it's bad when you someone starts referring to someone else as these people. "They're really nice, but I just can't please either one of them." Hopefully she's gonna get a good commission.

They like the size of the master bedroom and the windows.

There's an en-suite bathroom, which they like, but it's the only bathroom on that floor, which they don't like.

On to Andrea's ratings. "Not being Tudor is going to be a major mark, for me, against this house." Seriously? You saw a Tudor home and everything was too small for your liking.

Andrea has put on her most sensible headband to crunch the numbers of her ratings system. House #1 is the Tudor-style she wanted, but it had a small kitchen and small bathrooms and the house didn't have the views they wanted. House #1 gets an 85. House #2 has everything they want, but they don't like the wires #rollingmyeyes #hashtaggingmyhashtag #sorrynotsorry House #2 gets a 90. House #3 has an open floor plan and the view they wanted, but there was no backyard. House #3 also gets a 90. Ultimately they decide to go with House #3. 

I would have gone with #2.

2 months later and they are all moved in. They ended up getting the house for $590,000.

They finally have a formal dining room. There's something really sad-looking about that table, if that makes any sense. Like the room is so incomplete and adding that table cloth just makes the table look kind of cheap, which I'm sure it wasn't. 

They say that even though they don't have a backyard, there are plenty of parks around for Kate to play at.

#cutesthousehunterever