July 8, 2012

Catching up with Design Star


A lot can change in three episodes. Last we spoke, there were still 8 people in the competition; now we're down to the final 4. Let's take a look back.


So in episode 4, two sets of homeowners were having their houses made over by our morning zoo crewdesign stars. The designers were split into two teams and then each team was split again into an indoor pair and an outdoor pair. 


Britany, Hilari, Stanley, and Mikel were the winning team.


Hilari and Mikel worked on the living room and dining room.

Before:



After:




It's not really my style, but it's certainly a million times better than what they had before, which was basically nothing. I do love the ceiling, though the designers had nothing to do with that.


Stanley and Rachel worked on the backyard.

Before:



After:




I love all the chevron stripes (I'm predictable like that). I like that they used a lot of wood. It really warms up the space.


Kris, Rachel, Miera, and Danielle were the losing team.


Danielle and Miera worked on the living room and dining room and they were a hot freakin mess. In the previous episode, Miera worked with Kris and she felt steamrolled by him, as far as only using his ideas and not listening to her, so in this episode, she kind of did to Danielle what Kris did to her. If Danielle didn't like one of her ideas, she was a jerk about it. When Miera screwed up the dimensions of her built-ins and Danielle tried to help, she yelled at Danielle and told her that she was out of line and owed her an apology. She was acting kind of insane, so I wasn't sad when she got eliminated.

Before:



After:



Because Danielle had to help Miera and the carpenter when they found out the built-in dimensions were wrong, she lost time and was unable to finish putting the gold crosses on the wall.


Ultimately, the built-ins had unfinished edges and poor styling, which is why Miera was sent home.


Kris and Rachel worked on the backyard. 

Before:



After:



I mean, it's better than what they had before. But why add a slotted awning? Aren't you still gonna get sunburned? 


All Rachel really worked on this episode was a kids play area. To the right, which you can't see in the photo, are a bunch of garbage cans, which is kind of gross. She came close to getting eliminated, but it was her past performances that saved her, which I think is totally fair. This is when Rachel's design downward spiral began.


In episode 5, the designers were each assigned at random a design style/era to use as inspiration for a lounge space at a party for Hollywood's 125th birthday. Your tits don't look a day over 21, Hollywood. It was kind of like the white room challenge, but the space had to be functional and they got to shop at actual furniture and design stores.


Danielle got art deco, which is one of my favorite styles. I used to work by the Chicago Board of Trade, so I would cut through the building and it is absolutely stunning. Even the mailboxes are awesome.


Danielle won because the judges loved her furniture, floors, and accessories. 


Vern in particular jizzed himself over these sculptural lamps.


Britany got Hollywood Regency, which is pretty much her design style anyway.



Ironically, Britany actually struggled with this challenge, especially when it came to finding seating, but she pulled it off in time. She came in second and then acted like a brat about it. When she and Danielle and the other safe contestants were in the stew room (I don't know what it's called on this show, so I'll just use the Top Chef term), she started crying about how she tried her hardest and it wasn't good enough for the judges. I get being disappointed, but when you're on a reality show, bottle that shit up. It just makes you look bad.


Hilari got the 1980's. I was born in the 80's, so maybe that's why, but I don't get a clear vision of what 1980's interior design is. Fashion, for sure, but not interior design. And someone on TWOP mentioned that Hilari reminded them of Vanessa Huxtable, which, now that that's been pointed out, is all I can see.



Hilari rounded out the top 3. She initially planned to make a rug out of spandex, but that didn't work out, so she painted a Mondrian-style pattern on the floor. It's probably best that that didn't work out. Wouldn't your feet just get tripped up in it?


Mikel got "Midcentury Contemporary," which isn't a thing. Midcentury modern? Yes. Contemporary? Yes. But not Midcentury Contemporary.



I think he went the wrong direction with this room and I'm surprised he didn't get dinged for it. This is more like the late 60's vision of the future than midcentury, which is more wood furniture and muted tones. 


Stanley got futuristic, which I think is kind of unfair. Isn't futuristic much more open to interpretation than Art Deco or Hollywood Regency is? I mean, it hasn't happened yet, so you could argue that it could really be whatever you want.


Stanley used the sputnik light fixtures like Mikel, so he too was going for a late 60's vision of the future. 


And apparently in the future we'll all have vagina tables.


Rachel wasn't too enthused about getting Victorian and I totally understand that. Everyone else got something interesting, she got Grandma's living room. Not that Victorian is inherently Grandma's living room, but that's the first thing you associate it with.



I really like the birds. Rachel painted the floor to look like tufting, but it doesn't look that good. Vern didn't like the shade of blue she used or that she painted the wall sconces that shade, but I don't mind it. I like painting traditional furniture in bright colors; I think that makes the furniture far more interesting. Rachel's clearly floundering at this point.


Kris got the 1970's. I don't like talking about Kris, so I'm gonna stop now.



The desk with the typewriter was the only thing the judges liked. The room looks to much like an actual basement, not a lounge. All the seating is pushed up against the walls, which is never good. Thankfully, Kris was eliminated this week.


The designers were paired up, again, and had to work on a kitchen, using their assigned sink as inspiration. Unlike the earlier seasons where they worked in an actual person's house, they are working in a blank studio space. Because Danielle won last week, she gets to pick the partners and the type of sink they'll use. She picks Britany as her partner and they'll get the industrial stainless steel sink. She pairs Rachel with Mikel and they'll get the country sink and she pairs Stanley with Hilari and they'll get the apron-front sink. They winning team's kitchen will be featured in the HGTV magazine. Two people will be eliminated.






Danielle and Britany won and it's a good kitchen, but they also kind of won by default too. Just take a look.


It's bad enough when people on American Idol act like they're rockers, but you're on an HGTV show, Stanley, so put the hand away.




Speaking of hands. Man are those bad. In addition to being too big, they're also ugly. This room would have been better with certain changes. The cabinets are all wrong. They should have gone with those plastic-looking white ones. I also think the blue should have been lighter, like an aqua. The judges decided to eliminate Stanley, but Hilari is safe.






Wow, did they get this wrong. That sink is really ugly, but that's not their fault. I actually like toile, when it's used sparingly, but the way they used it is really overwhelming. It seems like they were going for a French country theme, so they should have used some open shelving. Like the judges pointed out, the chandelier is nice (the only nice thing in the room), but you can't see it up against the toile wall. Mikel was safe and Rachel was eliminated. Seems fair since she picked out the wallpaper.

I didn't expect much going into this season, but so far all the challenges have been good, the judges haven't been as bitchy, and I've agreed with all the eliminations.

July 7, 2012

House Hunters: All roads lead to Wicker Park


Description: Mary is a perfectionist, so when it comes to buying her first home in Chicago, she knows exactly what she wants. After looking at homes for 6 months, nothing meets her standards. Will Mary find the perfect place or is this the recipe for a perfect disaster?
Available on HGTV.com

Today's house hunter is Mary. Like millions of other Americans, Mary suffers from chronic stank face.


So this isn't really a stank face - don't worry, there will be some - and I didn't even intend to get a bad shot of her, but I've decided to keep it. 

Mary is 28 and has lived in Chicago for 5 years. I swear, no one who lives in Chicago - or at least downtown and on the north side - is actually from Chicago. They're all from the north suburbs and Iowa and Ohio and Michigan. Never Indiana, though, which is kind of weird. Mary says she's "definitely a type A personality when it comes to everything [she does], especially work and lifestyle." Ok, I get what a type A personality at work is, but what's a type A lifestyle? Whatever it is, it sounds like the worst kind of lifestyle ever. Like wouldn't a dictator have a type A lifestyle? Anyway, Mary also says she has very high standards, so this ought to be fun!


Mary's realtor is Lynn and she and Mary have been looking for places for 6 months, but none of them have been up to Mary's very high standards. So what are Mary's very high standards? She wants a 2 bedroom 2 bath condo with high end finishes in River North for $250,000. All that for only $250,000 in River North? Her budget might as well be $0. 


Condo #1 is 1 bedroom in 800 square feet for $250,000 in River North.


Stank face! Mary doesn't like the monthly $330 assessment. 



The apartment is on the 30th floor so it has views of the river, the lake, and the Hancock Building. Did you know that the odd shape of the Hancock Building makes it a portal for evil spirits? It's true! Allegedly. 


Mary bitches that the apartment doesn't seem like 800 square feet, but Lynn points out that there's actually room for a dining table in the apartment and that things do double duty, like the entryway has a closet and the washer and dryer and that Mary might even be able to use the kitchen's peninsula as a breakfast bar. 


Stank face! Mary bitchily says, "No you can't. Look at this. Even if I was sitting here, I couldn't put my legs under here. Can you?" Yeah, Lynn, you dumb bitch. Maybe you should kill yourself.


Mary doesn't like that the bathroom is not attached to the bedroom. I get it. Look at how far she would have to walk. That's like an extra 7 feet.


O hai, there's my office building again. But from a different angle this time!


Because Mary doesn't want to compromise on space, Lynn's decided to show her a place in Wicker Park. (Hmm, IMDB is telling me Diane Krueger and Rose Byrne were in that terrible movie. It's funny that Josh Hartnett was the only famous one at the time.) Condo #2 is 2 beds and 2 baths in 1050 square feet for $265,000.


The first thing Mary says is, "Oh wow, these hallways are really narrow." Uggh, like Britta, Mary is the worst.


Speaking of the worst, those floors are pretty terrible. Why are people putting hardwood on the diagonal?! And what's with that border? Good hardwood floors don't need all this extra shit. 


Mary immediately spots a crack in the glass blocks, but doesn't question why a bathroom and basement window is in the kitchen. It seems weird to me.


Stank face! Mary doesn't like (maybe she should just legally change her name to Mary Doesn't Like) that the front balcony is opposite a police station. Whatever, at least no one will try to break in to your place.


Mary Doesn't Like also doesn't like the bathroom counters and that it would cost about $800 to replace them. Well, then you better learn to live with them.


Mary Doesn't Like does like that there is a back porch off the master bedroom, but she doesn't like that it faces the alley. Ummm, where else would a back porch face?


Mary Doesn't Like doesn't like that the same countertops are in the master bathroom. Lynn tries to point out the positive:


This ridiculously nice shower, but Mary says, "No! I'm not ready to talk about the shower. I want to talk about this!" Seriously? She sounds like a fucking brat. I have no idea how Lynn hasn't smacked the shit out of her. She better be getting a good commission.

After they're done looking at the condo, Lynn says, "I think Mary should seriously consider..." Therapy? "...the condo." Dang, I was really hoping it was therapy.


Condo #3 is 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms in River West for $274,000. 


Mary's lived in Chicago for 5 years, but still has to ask what this is. It's rock salt storage, dumbass.


Mary Doesn't Like doesn't like that the condo is near the expressway and she says, "I can't even hear you talking with the freeway right here." I think you're lying Mary because you heard her explain about the rock salt.


Mary likes the exposed brick in the master bedroom because of course she's the kind of person who likes exposed brick.


She also likes the master closet and I have to agree. Looking at pictures of organized closets is my version of porn.


The apartment has all the high-end finishes assholes like Mary like.


Ok, that's a pretty awesome pantry. I'm really jealous of these people.


Stank face! Mary Doesn't Like doesn't like that the condo is by train tracks.


But it's the effing Metra, so she should really calm down.


Mary and Lynn discuss the three condos they've seen. Condo #1 is only 1 bedroom, but it's in the neighborhood Mary likes. Condo #2 is overbudget and in Wicker Park, but it's the two bedrooms she wants. Condo #3 is gorgeous (says Mary), but it's near the train tracks and salt trucks. Mary decides to go with #2.


2 months later and Mary and her boyfriend are just getting around to measuring the window. 


And somehow she has learned to live with those countertops. 


Mary sits around with a group of people who I don't think are her friends because she stiltedly asks them, "Have you guys spent a lot of time here? Do you like it?" Plus, can you really see someone like her being friends with the bearded dude?

Here's the thing about House Hunters: it's fake. Even if it's not as fake as that article implies, I've heard before that the people on the show have already bought the house they ultimately choose in the episode and the other two are just shown because they need to fill a half-hour. So knowing that it's fake, why is it that so many people on this show choose to represent themselves as assholes? They're not stressed about getting a house because they've already got the house, so why go around being a dick? I don't get it.