House Hunters: Enlist the other cat in the impending class war

Chicago Bachelor Pad

Description: Two friends weigh their wants versus needs for their new bachelor pad.

Available on HGTV.com

Meet Tony, our first house hunter. We're just going to ignore the highlighted elephant in the room. Tony is an "Internet marketing whiz," according to the narrator. "Internet marketing" sounds like an absolute bullshit job. Tony has been on two episodes of House Hunters before, once in Las Vegas and once in LA. 

Tony and his friend - and in this instance, I don't think it's "friend," I mean, would a gay guy have hair like that? - Jason, who isn't important enough to get his own close up introduction, are looking for a "bachelor pad" - God I hate that term - in Chicago because they occasionally do business here. This will be a second, or third in Tony's case, home for them. 

O hai, there's my office building. Tony and Jason go on a boat tour to discuss what they want. Tony says that, "Being in Las Vegas and being from Hollywood, [he's] gotta be in the middle of the action." The narrator responds, "In Chicago, that means the upscale magnificent mile area."1.) No it doesn't, only people from out of town think that, and 2.) just an FYI, no one in Chicago actually calls it the magnificent mile. Michigan Avenue or Gold Coast or Streeterville, but not magnificent mile. Anyway, they want a 2 bedroom, 2 bath 2000 square foot apartment in a high rise with a balcony for $1.5 million total. Jason says that he and Tony want their place to have a "vibe and a pulse about it." I have a feeling that vibe is a little date-rapey.

Their designer James is coming with them so he can offer some guidance, along with their realtor Kristine. 

Apartment #1 is 2 bedrooms and 2 baths in 2400 square feet and costs $750,000. It's off of Rush, which is kind of perfect for these d-bags.

The apartment has lots of windows, good views, and an open floor plan.

The kitchens seems perfectly fine, especially considering they'll only be a here a few weekends out of the year, but James says, "To really personify it for you guys, I would have to rip everything out." Personify? I think he means personalize. And he says it as nonchalantly as one would say, "We're going to have to put out some ant traps." And Tony, Jason, and Kristine all reply like, "Oh yeah, obviously." What's wrong with these people?

James also says of this perfectly fine bathroom, "This all has to come out." Because obviously, duh. 

Before they leave, James again says that they'll have to do major renovations to "personify both [their] tastes." Again, personify?

Apartment #2 is a 2 bed 2000 square foot apartment in the Ritz Carlton Residencies on Michigan Ave that are under construction. And are still under construction, as far as I can tell by going past it everyday. The apartment is $2 million, which is over their budget. But they do not have to pay any upgrade fees, regardless of the finishes they choose.

The Ritz Carlton representative shows them the floor plan she thinks will work best for them, which has the bedrooms on opposite sides of the apartment. She then shows them a sample master bathroom. 

Tony doesn't like the bathroom because it's too traditional, but I don't like the bathroom because the layout makes like no sense. Why is the shower jetting out into the middle of the room? That's so dumb.

This is the sample living room. I really like the arched doorways.

And this is the sample kitchen. I love marble. I'll probably never be able to afford it, but I love it. It's far superior to granite. Tony likes the oven, but says he probably won't need that good of an oven because he never cooks. The Ritz Carlton representative tells him that, as part of the building amenities,they can request a private chef to cook for them. 

They go see the actual building and the floor they'll be on, so can see what their views will be of.

I love the Tip Top Tap.

Apartment #3 is 4000 square feet, 2 bedrooms, and 2.5 bathrooms in the penthouse of a building in the west loop. Tony doesn't like the location and says that "it's not the worst location, but it's not in the middle of the magnificent mile and everywhere that is hot in Chicago." It bears repeating, but everything that is hot in Chicago is not on Michigan Ave.

Tony says that this is "a little more wood than what [he's] comfortable with." First of all, hardwood floors are awesome. Second of all, tee hee.

And once again, a perfectly nice kitchen is not good enough for Tony or James. James says he would get rid of the island. I say it's not an island if it's attached to the wall.

In addition to a balcony on the first floor, there's a really good sized terrace with great views on the second floor.

James, who is officially the worst person in this episode, says of the terrace, "you could easily spend $100, $200,000 alone" on this outdoor space. Yes, you could, if you were an asshole.

Tony, Jason, and James go to lunch to discuss their options. Apartment #1 is the least expensive and they'll have lots of extra money for renovations. Apartment #2 is the most expensive, but the price includes high end customization. Apartment #3 is the largest and has good outdoor space, but Tony doesn't like that it's "not in the elite location [he's] used to." Ugggh. Yes, the west loop is practically Garfield Park. Very far east Garfield Park.

Despite his concerns, Tony and Jason decide to buy #3. 

It was smart to add a new staircase. The spiral staircase was too diminutive for the space.

This is how they decorated the apartment? It looks like a shitily designed office. And they got rid of the nice, though not my style, kitchen to get sage-colored cabinets? More money than taste.